A little more from yesterday

So, what I neglected to put in my post yesterday was that I spent all day on Wednesday with...(drumroll)...my mother. And guess what? Not once was I tempted to reach across the kitchen table and strangle her. I think it's because we were doing something - scrapbooking - that she knows I know about and that she has no clue about, therefore, she couldn't take control of the situation. She had to sit and watch and listen and pick up on things rather than say, "We're doing it MY way."

Well, regardless, I think I've created a monster. We took a field trip to Wally-World to pick up some supplies and she picked up an additional two - count 'em - two - blank albums. She wants to do one album for her travels, one album for Conman, and an album for my grandma for a Christmas present. She's gathering up her pictures, pulling out the ones she likes and we're going on another supplies buying expedition to Huntington on Monday. Together. Yikes.

We never can get through much of a day out, alone, without some kind of argument. I hope this time it's better. I hope she's interested enough in what we're doing to think about that and not about nit-picking me the whole time. That's usually what starts it, her aggrevating me over something small and stupid, and me needing to brain her with something to get her to shut up. This time, though, I have high hopes. She has purpose, and for once, my purpose aligns with hers.

Wish me luck. I think I'll need it.

Since we last talked...

Not a lot has happened.

First, finances are somewhat better. I'm not saving $100 a paycheck anymore now that vacation's over, but I'm thinking about after Christmas starting to save again. Our TV is about to go kaput (the sound keeps going in and out - getting REALLY LOUD and then really quiet over and over again without anyone touching the volume controls) and I'd really like to save enough to get a 40" LCD HD TV and a Blue-Ray dvd player (our dvd player is about 10 years old...the viable life for those things is 3 years). But anyway...I've got to get Christmas out of the way first. Gotta get gifts for Conman (which is the bulk of my purchases) and a couple of other people, too. Thank goodness I bought some gifts back in the summer and already have about half of my Christmas shopping done. Why? Well, we need a new Christmas tree this year, and all new outside decorations, too. Yay.

Conman went to his first Cub Scouts meeting on Tuesday and loved it. Now that football is over, he's able to go to meetings. I signed him up for basketball and paid the fee, but I dunno if he'll play or not. He's already told us a couple of times that he doesn't wanna play, which is fine by me (I can't stand basketball anyway); he has "tryouts" this evening at 6, so I suppose we'll see what happens then.

So, on Saturday I decided that I HAD to have a good meal, so the three of us took off to Charleston for a good dinner and to hopefully get a little shopping done. Well, it was a disaster from the word "go". I picked up DH and Conman and we took off, and decided to eat at a place called "Billy's". Thier tag line is "Just Good Food", and I wonder who came up with that tagline. It was just about the most horrible food I've ever had. I ordered turkey & dressing, and it was Stove-Top stuffing and a cooked-frozen-then-reheated turkey breast, so dry you could have used it as kindling. DH's meal was just as bad. Conman's dinner, fish sticks, was good, but man...you can't screw up fish sticks. After we paid our $40 for our came-from-a-box dinner, I realized that I needed to go to Logan to pick up a prescription at Wal-Mart, so we had to literally fly back to Logan from Charleston (with a quick stop at the house to pick up my wayward wallet) in order to get there before the pharmacy closed. We made it with time to spare - I thought the pharmacy closed at 6PM, turns out it closes at 7PM. Disgusted, disappointed and just...blah, we decided to just go home. We dropped Conman off at my parents' house then went to stop for smokes at the smoke shop only to find that they had JUST been robbed...so we went to the local grocery store, rented a couple of movies, bought my smokes and went home.

Sunday was better - we went to Famous Dave's for bar-b-que, then to Michael's to buy two poster frames for Conman's bedroom, then to the book store where I bought Peter Straub's Ghost Story and Stephen King's The Regulators and picked up a nifty Terry Pratchett compillation, then we looked at several other stores for a game for DH, and we finally found something at Wal-Mart; I got one too *grin*. So yeah, Sunday made up for the crappy Saturday.

I guess that's all for now. Just sorta trying to get things done around here and trying to relax at the same time (yeah, nearly impossible, I know). Until next time...

The Vacation Run-Down

Well, we're back from our anniversary vacation, and I've got the complete recap for ya. Here we go!

October 30
We sat the alarm for 3am. I popped out of bed and hopped in the shower while DH loaded our stuff into the car. By 20 minutes to 4, we were in the car and on the road. We had minimal stops and managed to make it to the beach by about 2:30 or so. We got checked in and up to our room and let me tell you, Sandy Beach hotel was just about the nicest place I have EVER stayed in. The balcony was nice and wide, the room was spacious and just very, very nice. Right after we checked in and got in the room, I made the requisite call to my parents to let them know that we'd made it in, and then called my friend who lives nearby (from here-on-in known as GF) and set up a time for her to come and visit while we were there. She got to our room at about 6:15 PM or so and stayed until about 10PM. By the time she left, I was exhausted so I went to bed.

October 31
Yay! 10th Anniversary day! We got up early and headed out to the Myrtle Beach State Park where DH and I stood on the shore and recommitted to one another. What better place to reaffirm your bond before God than on the seashore? I believe that we'll continue to be blessed as we have been blessed for the past ten years. Of course, after that, I was trying to rinse the sand out of a shell that DH found for me on the beach and I was attacked by a wave...

So, even though my pants were damp, my spirits weren't. We decided to hop back in the car and just drive around the area for a while. We started out looking for a putt-putt golf course to play, and went all the way north to Little River, turned around and went all the way to Pawley's Island in the south. We ended up eating at the Dead Dog Saloon in Murrell's Inlet (which we really, really liked - the Inlet, not the restaurant, but the restaurant was very good). When we left there it was time to go back to the hotel and get dressed for the evening's festivities.

We dressed in our Halloween costumes for our Halloween evening out. DH was dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow and I was...well....I intended to be a gypsy girl, but everyone thought I was a pirate, too. That's okay, though, because I really wanted to be a pirate anyway. We went out to Barefoot Landing and first did the Ghost Show in the Ghosts and Legends Theater there. It was really neat, but DH and I enjoyed it a lot. It only primed us for what was to come, though, because the Ghost Walk was absolutely spectacular...

Our Storyteller, who is in between DH and I in the picture, was really fantastic. She told the stories in a way that held your attention and gave them a sense of wonder and mystery. At the half-way point of the walking tour at the House of Blues the REAL high-point of the walk happened for me. I went to the restroom, and when I caught up with the rest of the group I found out that DH had volunteered me to tell a ghost story. He didn't think I'd actually do it, and when I agreed, he was just shocked. All this is second hand, because I was so nervous talking to that group of strangers I didn't notice anything. DH said that while I told my story, a local legend from here in WV, that the crowd got quiet and moved in closer to hear me speak (even though I was trying hard to speak up so people could hear). DH said that the Storyteller was very impressed with my story and with my ability to tell it. When the walk was over, DH said that the Storyteller was bragging about my story to the other "pirates" at the Ghosts and Legends Theater. One of the ladies in the walking group with us asked me how she could find out more information about my story, as well. It was exciting for me. Also during the walk I took a picture of just...nothing...hoping to get pictures of something "paranormal" - an orb or something. I never dreamed that I'd actually get anything, but...

Yep! Not one, but FOUR orbs in one photo! Pretty exciting!

After we left Barefoot Landing, we headed over to Broadway at the Beach to check out their annual Halloween Party. Let me tell you, it was an experience. I don't have any pictures from there because I was silly and left my camera in the car, but I'm here to tell you, never have I seen so many (almost) exposed breasts in one place at one time. It was cold out that night, too, and even with all my clothes I had on (a girdle and a long-line bra, plus two layers of dress) and I was still shivering - I can't imagine being dressed in what is essentially a string bikini and being comfortable. I suppose that after you get so drunk, though, temperature doesn't really matter. There were some other really good costumes, too. I'm kicking myself about not bringing my camera now.

November 1
DH and I decided to go down to Charleston Harbor and take a tour of the USS Yorktown, a decommissioned aircraft carrier. It's located at Patriot's Point there in Charleston, and they also have a Coast Guard Cutter (the Ingham) a Destroyer (the Laffey) and a Submarine (the Clamagore). The Yorktown was just amazing; they had really nifty displays for all aspects of the ship's service, and they had airplanes in the hangar deck and on the flight deck that chronicled the ship's history from World War II until it was decommissioned in (I think) the '70's.

We also toured the Submarine and the Destroyer, then we went back "on shore" and bought some nifty stuff in the "Ship Store". We bought Conman a t-shirt and hat at the Yorktown because we thought that since he's got a million Myrtle Beach t-shirts that he might like something different this time. We really liked visiting the ships and my only regret was that Conman wasn't there to see it, too. He would have really, really liked that part of our trip.

We drove back to Myrtle Beach from Charleston but we weren't ready to go back to the hotel quite yet, so we visited Broadway at the Beach again for dinner. We ate at Key West, and the food was good but VERY expensive. We then finally played putt-putt there at Broadway and walked around a little bit before finally heading back to the hotel. On the way in, we couldn't pass up getting fresh, hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts. ;)

November 2
We woke up early, and DH took some pictures of dawn over the sea...

After we packed everything up and got it into the car, we checked out and prepared to leave the beach. Both DH and I were kind of reticent to actually leave...it felt a little bit like even though we had everything packed up and ready to go home that we were leaving something behind. I think it was that little piece of my heart that I was leaving. You know, that little piece that believes it belongs there on a permanent basis. I think we finally left town at around 9AM. We got back home here in WV at about 8PM (after a few stops along the way), and our vacation was officially over.

All in all, we had a fantastic time, and I wouldn't change a thing about what we did or saw.

Reasons Why

For the past week, I've done pretty good. I've been up-beat, and felt like life was going okay. I've been happy with my friends and my (perceived) treatment by them. DH and I are doing well, and Conman's doing good, too.

Then, there are days like today. Days when I realize exactly why the doctor agreed with me when I asked for an anti-depressant, and prescribed me Prozac.

Today I'm sitting here in a cold house with no one for company but the boob tube. DH is at work and Conman's at school. My IM program is up and running, but it's silent. That huge list of "friends" who appear online haven't had anything to say to me in months. When I'm off-line, the phone doesn't ring. It sometimes feels like I only exist to myself; like no one knows I'm here but me.

I miss having friends. I miss doing stuff - not like "naughty" things, but just getting out and doing anything outside the home. I know what it is, though. I lack the confidence to do anything on my own. I feel like I need DH by my side in order to do stuff "right".

Now, I haven't taken my Prozac for a week. We go on vacation in just a few days, and I stopped taking the medicine because I wanted to enjoy that time on vacation. I wanted to be able to organize my thoughts enough to process what I'm doing, and I wanted to be able to get "turned on" so that I can celebrate my anniversary with DH. While I was taking the medicine, that just wasn't possible. Don't worry, y'all. I know I need it. I plan on starting back on it when I return home from vacation.

Today's just hard, though. I'm feeling terribly alone. I hope tomorrow's better.

Update Post

So, here we are, almost a month after my last post. I know, I know, I've been lacking in the blog category. I have either been too busy to make any entries, or haven't really had anything to say.

First off, Conman's midget league football team is undefeated for the regular season. They are playoff - bound, and have earned home-field advantage during the playoffs. They're a good bunch of boys, and the team's REALLY developed over the season. I have confidence in them that they'll do well during the playoffs.

The midget league homecoming game was a roaring success. I had to paint 30 mini football plaques with 26 player names and numbers and 4 coaches. Add to that the huge poster I had to make to put the little footballs on, plus Conman's personal poster, and we had to paint a pumpkin, too, for the display. We did it all in about four days. It was a marathon, but we got it done and I was pleased with the results.

Vacation's coming up at the end of the month. DH and I are heading to the beach (yes, the same beach we want to move to...read on...) for about 4 days. We have some pretty special plans for the trip. It's our 10-year anniversary AND our birthday trip, so we've got lots on the table for the trip. I'm exceptionally excited about it, and can't wait to get down there again. Excited, excited, excited.

So, the move has almost ground to a halt. We can't get the down payment together, and the way the economy is right now we won't be able to get a loan without a down payment. Renting is just about out of the question because the cost of per-month rent is just about double what a house payment would be. No thank you, I'd rather have something to show for it if I'm going to pay THAT much a month...

Anyway, that's about where we're at right now. Not much to tell, just a little update on what's going on 'round these parts.

Crushed

As we all know (It's clear from my previous blog posts) we want to move.

Now, there's a couple of hurdles. We have to have jobs, we have to have a place to live, and we need some supplementary child care for Conman, not to mention some extra cash to be able to do all these things. We have a plan - a good plan - to, in the end, be successful. The problem is, we don't have the "ready cash" or savings to be able to do these things.

I do, however, have a trust fund. The problem? I'm not allowed to touch it until I'm 55 (and I'm only 32 as of the date of this posting). I have also been informed this morning that (1) I shouldn't be calling the really good job lead I have because "we're not ready to move" (according to my dad) and (2) we won't be getting any monetary help from my parents for the same reason.

My question is this - how do you know we're not ready? We have come to the realization that we'll never be more than what we are as long as we stay here. DH has been asking for a raise for about six months now with no hint that he's going to get one. He's worked at his job for, collectively, about 7 years (worked five years, laid off for one, worked two more years). He retained his seniority when he came back from the layoff, but that hasn't made any difference in his pay rate. I work part time and bring home about $320 every two weeks. As we are right now, we're barely making it, there's no hope for any advancement for either of us. There's no way we'll be any better than what we are, and we can't make enough money to have any sorts of savings. Basically, we're on our own for savings or trying to keep money aside so that we can move, but because we make so little, we can't save any money for a down payment or anything like that.

Yet again, my parents feel like they must control us, even to the long-term detriment of their own grandchild. Because we will be out of their sphere of influence, they won't help. Because they won't be able to raise Conman (because it's been made painfully obvious that I don't do a good enough job) they won't help. Because there's a chance (a very GOOD chance) that we'll be successful on our own, that we'll be able to save and plan for our own future for once, they won't help. They'd rather see us live in squalor and utter need than to admit for once that they might not have all the answers and that they might be wrong. I can't understand why parents would want that for their child, much less their grandchild. It doesn't make sense to me - why would a parent not want their child to succeed? If you have the answer, I'd like to hear it, because at this moment, I'm completely at a loss.

Oh, and this morning when I went up because I needed $20 (see? we can't even make it between paydays) I saw a brochure for a new Honda Pilot on their countertop. Dad said that they took the car in for a service and the salesman approached him and "forced" the brochure on them, but I find that hard to believe. I take my car to a dealership for service all the time, and a simple, "Oh, I'm just here for service." sends the salesmen running back to the office to wait on the next actual prospect. So, therefore, they can spend money on a new car, but they can't invest in the future of their child or grandchild. And before you ask, no, they don't need a new car. They have a 2007 Toyota truck, a 2000 Honda Accord, and a 2004 Ford SUV, all with very low miles and in brand-new condition. The sole reason for buying a car for them is they're tired of the old one.

If I sound angry, it's because I am. I don't think the two of them have experienced "need" in thirty years or more. They are either unwilling or unable to understand why someone would want to move away and get better.

And to be honest with you, I can't take living under their thumb anymore. I wrote that letter three months ago (search my blog, you'll find the post about the letter to my mother) and she was better...for about a month. Now, not only has she gone back to her "old ways", but she's worse. I can't stand this any more - I can't be made to feel like I'm not a real person any more, and I can't live like that anymore. I hate it, and I want to get away and live my life for me and my child and my husband. I want to be able to actually live and not just exist as a disappointment to someone else.

I guess that's it. On all fronts. I got nothing else to say, and I got nowhere else to turn.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day, 2008

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, I give you a post I made back in June celebrating just such a thing.

PIRATE SONG YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW

So...fill your days with "Arrghs" and "Aye Mateys", and have a fantastic TLAPD!