Updates and...Stuff

So, I took Mom the letter on Monday. I put it in with some of Conman's clothes, handed it to her and then left. She didn't call or say anything to me about it, but then again, I asked her not to say anything, to let her actions speak louder than her words. She's been considerably nicer to me since then. We'll see if it lasts.

On a completely unrelated note...

This year is my tenth anniversary year. I totally want to go on vacation, and I don't mean to Myrtle Beach...again. Although, I'd really like to go to the ocean. I've been looking at Ocean City, Maryland, and it looks pretty neat - boardwalk, wide beaches, and lots going on - just the sort of thing that DH and I look for when we head to the sea. From what I've seen, it looks like there are quite a few attractions and dining options, too. Oh, and did I forget the best part? The wild ponies at Assateague Island are right close by!

I'm gonna give DH a good talk about it this evening when he gets home. I hope he says we can make the reservations and plan on trying to go. I think that'd be a lot of fun for our anniversary and birthday!

What? Two Posts in One Day?

I know, I know, it's unusual, but still. Got something on my mind, and no one around to really vent about it to.

I was looking at some pictures this afternoon of a girl, and it struck me. She's an incredibly hot woman; young, firm, smooth skin, fantastic hair, striking eyes. As I looked at those pictures it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll never be that brand of sexy, nor have I ever been that brand of sexy. Granted, this girl is 19 and I'm staring 33 squarely in the buttocks, but still. I wouldn't mind being the older, more experienced version of 19-year-old-sexy. As it stands, I'm the frumpy mom-next-door brand of inconspicuous.

Yes, I know, I have the power to change that. Fix myself up (been doing that - I've just about got the hair-and-makeup thing down), lose some weight (working on that, too - down almost 50 pounds since this time last year) and dress better (that one's difficult to come by - gotta have cash to look good). I can hear some of you out there wondering why I would want to blend into the crowd of over-done girls and women who strive so hard to be the "hot chick". That answer is simple - I've never been that girl - I've never been the one that people (male or female) looks at and says, Wow...just...wow, and I'd like to experience that, just once, before I die.

Let's pray that we have plenty of time for me to accomplish that goal. I think it's gonna take a few sharp scalpels, some medical-grade plastic and a huge vial of sucked-out fat for me to get there, but no harm in wishing, is there?

Back to Normal

...If that's what you call it.

Anyway, in fairly short order, life's gone back to the regular routine: Eat-sleep-internet crawl / chat - work - WoW. Exciting, eh?

Conman's tee-ball is just about over, and on June 6 so is school. That'll present a whole new set of challenges for us (child care, etc).

On a more personal, less overview-ish note, DH asked me an odd question on Sunday. He said, "Are you happy?" to which I answered yes, but then he asked, "No. I mean, are you really happy? With me? With us?" to which I answered that of course, I'm happy. I don't know what comes over him sometimes. It makes me look over the past couple of days and wonder what I've done to merit such a question. It makes me wonder if he's doing something that he shouldn't be (although when he'd find the time to get up to hijinx I dunno). It just makes a girl wonder.

I love my husband; always will. Yes, it's true I get lonely and melancholy from time to time, but that's only because it sometimes seems like we're just two people that happen to live in the same household, especially when schedules get crazy. He's gone 12 hours a day, comes home, spends about 3 hours awake before he goes to bed and starts the whole process over again. Me? Well, I have work on Tuesday, Friday and Saturday (usually) and then whenever I'm needed otherwise. The other days I sit here all day by myself waiting on him to come home, entertaining myself and occasionally doing the odd bit of housework. I look forward to DH getting home, and when he does get here, he's usually so tired that we just kinda sit and stare at each other. It's disheartening, and sometimes a bit of a let-down. No wonder I'm a bit downhearted. Perhaps it is my fault he asks questions like that.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Signing off...

So, I'm Stealing This...

...from Miss Person-Whose-Blog-I-Read. I'm sure she'll understand, and won't mind.

Today, Miss Person(et. al.) wrote on her blog about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. She went through the whole list of needs and commented on them, putting in there how they fit into her own life. Because there's not an original thought in my head, I decided it would be a good idea to do the same, see how I size myself up against that list.

Physiological
Breathing - In, out, yeah. Got that.
Food - Too much, in fact.
Water - Well, coffee, soda pop and iced tea...but I reckon that contains "water", so yeah.
Sex - I'm happily married. VERY happily married.
Sleep - I get very little, and most of what I get is chemically induced, so I'd have to say a big fat "NO" on that one.
Homeostasis - Same thing, day in, day out. I'd say I've pretty much got this one licked.

Safety
Security of Body - My DH is home every night, watching over me and the Conman. I don't have anything at all to worry about on the safety issue.
Security of Employment - I just got a new job, so my job security is entirely my own domain. My performance in the next few weeks will determine whether or not I keep my job.
Security of Resources - Hmmm. Nope, I can't say I really have that. Our paychecks are small, and while my parents haven't let me down in the past, there's nothing to say that they won't in the future. In other words, so far the well's not dried up, but it might dry up tomorrow, it might dry up next week, or a month from now.
Security of Morality - Well, I've managed to stay married, happily, for nearly ten years, and I've learned painful lessons about honesty and doing what's right. I'd like to think I'm a moral person, but it's always a work in progress.
Security of the Family - My family is my proudest achievement. I love my DH with my whole heart; my son is an extension of that. I feel 100% secure in their love for me, as well. I think I've got this one pretty much on the money, too.
Security of Health - Well, this one's questionable. I haven't been to a doctor of any sort in about 2 years. I'm sure I probably have arthritis in a lot of my major joints, I'm sure my diabetes isn't completely under control, I probably need someone to administer a real, live diet program form me, and I'm sure I could probably benefit from some sort of counseling. Therefore, I'd have to put a big, fat NO on this one.
Security of Property - This is another "iffy" one. We own our things, but not really our property (meaning our house and our land). Can I pay for my house and land? No. Does that bother me? Hell yes.

Love & Belonging
Friendship - This one's a bit odd for me to answer. It really depends on your definition of "friend". Is a friend someone you physically spend time with? Is a friend someone you confess your darkest secrets to? Is a friend someone that you talk to often, and that you help and they help you back? I dunno what they are. I can say that I have many "acquaintances", not so many friends. I have one or two friends, and that's about it. It almost seems like the number dwindles every day, too.
Family - No problems here. I love my family (DH and Conman) more than anything in the world. I can't imagine my life without them.
Romantic - See above - Happily married. To a fantastically romantic man (in his own way).
Sexual Intimacy - See above - Happily, HAPPILY married. I love him dearly, and have the most intimate relationship I could ever imagine. There isn't anything we don't share, and we thoroughly enjoy one another.

Esteem
Self-esteem - I can't say that my self-esteem is very high. I can't stand my body, and I don't think myself very pretty. DH tells me I'm beautiful all the time, but he has to say that...he's married to me. *grin*
Confidence - I'm confident in my abilities. I am a more-than-competent writer, and a very competent employee, regardless of what job I'm doing. I'd say my confidence is pretty high.
Achievement - I'm not satisfied with my level of achievement. I would like to have been published by now, but I haven't been. I'd like to be a lot more than what I am, but money and opportunity keeps me from that right now. Hopefully in the future.
Respect of Others - I have a healthy respect for other people. I know that they do jobs of their own, and that they have areas of expertise that I don't have. I also respect their opinions and their views (as long as they don't try to "preach" them at me with an aim of conversion).
Respect by Others - I would like to think that I have others' respect, but I dunno. I would like to hear it more often if i do, but oh well. Can't have everything, I suppose.

Self-Actualization
I'm not even gonna go there. I know I'm alive, I know I'm a parent and a wife, I know that I am an employee, and I know that I'm a writer. That's enough for me.

It's Moments Like These...

...that I am truly thankful for best friends.

They make ya think. All but force you to. Why? Because they have nothing to gain or lose from some of the decisions that you make; their motives are the purest of all - you and your family's best interests. What would be the best thing for you to be successful and happy and healthy and satisfied. What would be the best thing to make you suffer less - be it stress, pain, trials, things like that.

I had a best friend moment this afternoon. One of those up there that makes me think about the path that I'm on. I'm satisfied for the most part with my life - I like my family more than I can express; I like my physical location, but there are several snags associated with it that takes away from my happiness and overall satisfaction.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. I can generally tolerate her presence, but on the whole, she make my life (and the life of my family) completely unbearable. I "deal" daily with her pointing out my shortfalls, my disappointments, my failures. Never has she pointed out my accomplishments. And it's just not in one corner of my life, it's in every. single. aspect. of my daily life. I don't keep a clean enough house. I don't feed my child "healthy, well-balanced meals". I don't do enough to further the well-being of my family. There's nothing I do that meets her standards. The worst part? She owns my home, and lives about five minutes away. I can't get away from her even if I want to.

My best friend and I talk about her often - it's one of the ways that I've developed to deal with the way she makes me feel. It's recently (just this morning...again) been pointed out to me that if I don't get out from under her, it's going to eventually kill me. That's not an exaggeration, that's the honest truth, from someone outside looking in, from someone who has nothing to gain from telling me this, from someone who has nothing but the best interests of me and my family at heart.

Now I'm thinking about what I ought to do. My best friend is right about all of this. It's going to kill me eventually - either that or put me in a mental institution, or turn me into some sort of destructive addict. For the sake of my family, I NEED to get away. Where do I go, though? What would I do? When you make $700 every two weeks, how do you even begin to make a change that would be a positive step for your family without putting them in jeopardy in the meantime? I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to be my own person.

The Saga of The Ring

Aside from the obvious Tolkien reference, I have a story to tell.

Back before Christmas, I lost my wedding band. I know how I lost it, but that's a story I'd rather not relate here (as it's a bit embarrassing), but suffice it to say it was gone. Note I said was - but we'll get to that in a minute.

Anyway, the ring was gone. We tore the house apart; went through the dining room, moved the couch in the computer room, went through every conceivable nook and cranny in my warren of a house looking for my most prized possession, the one piece of jewelry that I rarely take off, the very symbol of my union with DH. We didn't find it, even after several days of searching.

So, a couple of weeks before Christmas, DH and I decide that we're never going to find it, it's been consumed by the "house monster" and that I might as well just accept my heartbreak and go buy a new one. That was my Christmas gift for 2007 - a shiny, new wedding band, engraved this time (we couldn't afford it when we got married - they charged $5 per letter, and that was just WAY out of our budget then), and slightly wider, but still, close enough for the average observer. The point was, though, *I* knew the difference. It wasn't the one blessed by our reverend, it wasn't the one he put on my hand and then kissed me to seal the deal. It just wasn't the one.

I got my new ring and wore it with pride, but with a broken heart. I had given up on finding my ring, the ring, and hoped that maybe, someday, if we ever sell this house and have to move everything out, it might get shaken loose and then I'd have it. Maybe.

Then today came. Conman came in with his newest Lego creation, and was showing me how awesome it was, and how it could jump the wrinkle in the rug that covers the television cord that crosses the floor. I was in my normal mode, answering, "Yeah!" and "That's cool!" without really looking, paying attention but not. All of a sudden, I hear:

"Oh my gosh! Mommy! Mommy! Look! It's your ring!!"

My mouth hit the floor. He slipped it on his hand, on the finger that I wear my rings on - the "Wedding finger" - and rushes to my side. I pull off my engagement ring and the replacement and he, like his father ten years ago, slips the ring onto my finger. I almost cried.

I hugged him and hugged him and showered his face with kisses. I picked up every quarter I could find on my desk (because somehow, kisses didn't seem reward enough) and handed them to him. I hugged him some more, kissed him some more, and professed my undying love for him. He then asked, "What are you going to do with the other one, Mom?", to which I answered, "Well, I'm going to wear them both together. And when you get married some day, I'll give you one of them to give to your wife. How's that?" He said, "I think that would be really neat, Mom. Thanks!"

So there you have the saga of the ring. Miracles do happen...even little ones.

In The Midst Of It Post

So, one down, one to go.

Did the kindergarten project today. I was glad that it didn't take too long, and there was absolutely no screaming, no crying, and no bloodshed. At all. I'm so proud of myself. Moreover, I'm proud of the kids! I expected that they wouldn't be that interested in my proclamation that "Okay, guys, I'm a writer...", but it was met with unexpected "oooohs" and "aaaaaahs". Restores my faith that pure joy in the written word isn't dead, and our schools are doing a little bit of something right. I'd say kindergarten-ers being impressed with a writer is proof enough of that.

They did a fantastic job filling in the blanks for the project, and their coloring was fantastic. Now, they have a book that they helped to create and they can be proud of. I'm glad the teacher let me come in and do it - I had a lot of fun and I think the kids did, too.

Tomorrow is the speaking engagement at the middle school. A little more difficult, but I've done it before and know what to expect. I think they're going to have a good time with the speech and the interactions I'm planning.

On another, completely unrelated note - Aunt Flo is here. I'm going to tell you, I'd rather take a beating than have a period. If someone walked up to me and said, "If you take this severe beating, you don't have to have a period this month," my answer would be, "Okay, just let me take off my glasses 'cause they're expensive, and don't break any bones, my health insurance sucks."

That's it - I'll post the rundown of tomorrow's festivities either tomorrow evening or Thursday. Until then, have fun!