For the past week, I've done pretty good. I've been up-beat, and felt like life was going okay. I've been happy with my friends and my (perceived) treatment by them. DH and I are doing well, and Conman's doing good, too.
Then, there are days like today. Days when I realize exactly why the doctor agreed with me when I asked for an anti-depressant, and prescribed me Prozac.
Today I'm sitting here in a cold house with no one for company but the boob tube. DH is at work and Conman's at school. My IM program is up and running, but it's silent. That huge list of "friends" who appear online haven't had anything to say to me in months. When I'm off-line, the phone doesn't ring. It sometimes feels like I only exist to myself; like no one knows I'm here but me.
I miss having friends. I miss doing stuff - not like "naughty" things, but just getting out and doing anything outside the home. I know what it is, though. I lack the confidence to do anything on my own. I feel like I need DH by my side in order to do stuff "right".
Now, I haven't taken my Prozac for a week. We go on vacation in just a few days, and I stopped taking the medicine because I wanted to enjoy that time on vacation. I wanted to be able to organize my thoughts enough to process what I'm doing, and I wanted to be able to get "turned on" so that I can celebrate my anniversary with DH. While I was taking the medicine, that just wasn't possible. Don't worry, y'all. I know I need it. I plan on starting back on it when I return home from vacation.
Today's just hard, though. I'm feeling terribly alone. I hope tomorrow's better.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Update Post
So, here we are, almost a month after my last post. I know, I know, I've been lacking in the blog category. I have either been too busy to make any entries, or haven't really had anything to say.
First off, Conman's midget league football team is undefeated for the regular season. They are playoff - bound, and have earned home-field advantage during the playoffs. They're a good bunch of boys, and the team's REALLY developed over the season. I have confidence in them that they'll do well during the playoffs.
The midget league homecoming game was a roaring success. I had to paint 30 mini football plaques with 26 player names and numbers and 4 coaches. Add to that the huge poster I had to make to put the little footballs on, plus Conman's personal poster, and we had to paint a pumpkin, too, for the display. We did it all in about four days. It was a marathon, but we got it done and I was pleased with the results.
Vacation's coming up at the end of the month. DH and I are heading to the beach (yes, the same beach we want to move to...read on...) for about 4 days. We have some pretty special plans for the trip. It's our 10-year anniversary AND our birthday trip, so we've got lots on the table for the trip. I'm exceptionally excited about it, and can't wait to get down there again. Excited, excited, excited.
So, the move has almost ground to a halt. We can't get the down payment together, and the way the economy is right now we won't be able to get a loan without a down payment. Renting is just about out of the question because the cost of per-month rent is just about double what a house payment would be. No thank you, I'd rather have something to show for it if I'm going to pay THAT much a month...
Anyway, that's about where we're at right now. Not much to tell, just a little update on what's going on 'round these parts.
First off, Conman's midget league football team is undefeated for the regular season. They are playoff - bound, and have earned home-field advantage during the playoffs. They're a good bunch of boys, and the team's REALLY developed over the season. I have confidence in them that they'll do well during the playoffs.
The midget league homecoming game was a roaring success. I had to paint 30 mini football plaques with 26 player names and numbers and 4 coaches. Add to that the huge poster I had to make to put the little footballs on, plus Conman's personal poster, and we had to paint a pumpkin, too, for the display. We did it all in about four days. It was a marathon, but we got it done and I was pleased with the results.
Vacation's coming up at the end of the month. DH and I are heading to the beach (yes, the same beach we want to move to...read on...) for about 4 days. We have some pretty special plans for the trip. It's our 10-year anniversary AND our birthday trip, so we've got lots on the table for the trip. I'm exceptionally excited about it, and can't wait to get down there again. Excited, excited, excited.
So, the move has almost ground to a halt. We can't get the down payment together, and the way the economy is right now we won't be able to get a loan without a down payment. Renting is just about out of the question because the cost of per-month rent is just about double what a house payment would be. No thank you, I'd rather have something to show for it if I'm going to pay THAT much a month...
Anyway, that's about where we're at right now. Not much to tell, just a little update on what's going on 'round these parts.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Crushed
As we all know (It's clear from my previous blog posts) we want to move.
Now, there's a couple of hurdles. We have to have jobs, we have to have a place to live, and we need some supplementary child care for Conman, not to mention some extra cash to be able to do all these things. We have a plan - a good plan - to, in the end, be successful. The problem is, we don't have the "ready cash" or savings to be able to do these things.
I do, however, have a trust fund. The problem? I'm not allowed to touch it until I'm 55 (and I'm only 32 as of the date of this posting). I have also been informed this morning that (1) I shouldn't be calling the really good job lead I have because "we're not ready to move" (according to my dad) and (2) we won't be getting any monetary help from my parents for the same reason.
My question is this - how do you know we're not ready? We have come to the realization that we'll never be more than what we are as long as we stay here. DH has been asking for a raise for about six months now with no hint that he's going to get one. He's worked at his job for, collectively, about 7 years (worked five years, laid off for one, worked two more years). He retained his seniority when he came back from the layoff, but that hasn't made any difference in his pay rate. I work part time and bring home about $320 every two weeks. As we are right now, we're barely making it, there's no hope for any advancement for either of us. There's no way we'll be any better than what we are, and we can't make enough money to have any sorts of savings. Basically, we're on our own for savings or trying to keep money aside so that we can move, but because we make so little, we can't save any money for a down payment or anything like that.
Yet again, my parents feel like they must control us, even to the long-term detriment of their own grandchild. Because we will be out of their sphere of influence, they won't help. Because they won't be able to raise Conman (because it's been made painfully obvious that I don't do a good enough job) they won't help. Because there's a chance (a very GOOD chance) that we'll be successful on our own, that we'll be able to save and plan for our own future for once, they won't help. They'd rather see us live in squalor and utter need than to admit for once that they might not have all the answers and that they might be wrong. I can't understand why parents would want that for their child, much less their grandchild. It doesn't make sense to me - why would a parent not want their child to succeed? If you have the answer, I'd like to hear it, because at this moment, I'm completely at a loss.
Oh, and this morning when I went up because I needed $20 (see? we can't even make it between paydays) I saw a brochure for a new Honda Pilot on their countertop. Dad said that they took the car in for a service and the salesman approached him and "forced" the brochure on them, but I find that hard to believe. I take my car to a dealership for service all the time, and a simple, "Oh, I'm just here for service." sends the salesmen running back to the office to wait on the next actual prospect. So, therefore, they can spend money on a new car, but they can't invest in the future of their child or grandchild. And before you ask, no, they don't need a new car. They have a 2007 Toyota truck, a 2000 Honda Accord, and a 2004 Ford SUV, all with very low miles and in brand-new condition. The sole reason for buying a car for them is they're tired of the old one.
If I sound angry, it's because I am. I don't think the two of them have experienced "need" in thirty years or more. They are either unwilling or unable to understand why someone would want to move away and get better.
And to be honest with you, I can't take living under their thumb anymore. I wrote that letter three months ago (search my blog, you'll find the post about the letter to my mother) and she was better...for about a month. Now, not only has she gone back to her "old ways", but she's worse. I can't stand this any more - I can't be made to feel like I'm not a real person any more, and I can't live like that anymore. I hate it, and I want to get away and live my life for me and my child and my husband. I want to be able to actually live and not just exist as a disappointment to someone else.
I guess that's it. On all fronts. I got nothing else to say, and I got nowhere else to turn.
Now, there's a couple of hurdles. We have to have jobs, we have to have a place to live, and we need some supplementary child care for Conman, not to mention some extra cash to be able to do all these things. We have a plan - a good plan - to, in the end, be successful. The problem is, we don't have the "ready cash" or savings to be able to do these things.
I do, however, have a trust fund. The problem? I'm not allowed to touch it until I'm 55 (and I'm only 32 as of the date of this posting). I have also been informed this morning that (1) I shouldn't be calling the really good job lead I have because "we're not ready to move" (according to my dad) and (2) we won't be getting any monetary help from my parents for the same reason.
My question is this - how do you know we're not ready? We have come to the realization that we'll never be more than what we are as long as we stay here. DH has been asking for a raise for about six months now with no hint that he's going to get one. He's worked at his job for, collectively, about 7 years (worked five years, laid off for one, worked two more years). He retained his seniority when he came back from the layoff, but that hasn't made any difference in his pay rate. I work part time and bring home about $320 every two weeks. As we are right now, we're barely making it, there's no hope for any advancement for either of us. There's no way we'll be any better than what we are, and we can't make enough money to have any sorts of savings. Basically, we're on our own for savings or trying to keep money aside so that we can move, but because we make so little, we can't save any money for a down payment or anything like that.
Yet again, my parents feel like they must control us, even to the long-term detriment of their own grandchild. Because we will be out of their sphere of influence, they won't help. Because they won't be able to raise Conman (because it's been made painfully obvious that I don't do a good enough job) they won't help. Because there's a chance (a very GOOD chance) that we'll be successful on our own, that we'll be able to save and plan for our own future for once, they won't help. They'd rather see us live in squalor and utter need than to admit for once that they might not have all the answers and that they might be wrong. I can't understand why parents would want that for their child, much less their grandchild. It doesn't make sense to me - why would a parent not want their child to succeed? If you have the answer, I'd like to hear it, because at this moment, I'm completely at a loss.
Oh, and this morning when I went up because I needed $20 (see? we can't even make it between paydays) I saw a brochure for a new Honda Pilot on their countertop. Dad said that they took the car in for a service and the salesman approached him and "forced" the brochure on them, but I find that hard to believe. I take my car to a dealership for service all the time, and a simple, "Oh, I'm just here for service." sends the salesmen running back to the office to wait on the next actual prospect. So, therefore, they can spend money on a new car, but they can't invest in the future of their child or grandchild. And before you ask, no, they don't need a new car. They have a 2007 Toyota truck, a 2000 Honda Accord, and a 2004 Ford SUV, all with very low miles and in brand-new condition. The sole reason for buying a car for them is they're tired of the old one.
If I sound angry, it's because I am. I don't think the two of them have experienced "need" in thirty years or more. They are either unwilling or unable to understand why someone would want to move away and get better.
And to be honest with you, I can't take living under their thumb anymore. I wrote that letter three months ago (search my blog, you'll find the post about the letter to my mother) and she was better...for about a month. Now, not only has she gone back to her "old ways", but she's worse. I can't stand this any more - I can't be made to feel like I'm not a real person any more, and I can't live like that anymore. I hate it, and I want to get away and live my life for me and my child and my husband. I want to be able to actually live and not just exist as a disappointment to someone else.
I guess that's it. On all fronts. I got nothing else to say, and I got nowhere else to turn.
Friday, September 19, 2008
International Talk Like a Pirate Day, 2008
In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, I give you a post I made back in June celebrating just such a thing.
So...fill your days with "Arrghs" and "Aye Mateys", and have a fantastic TLAPD!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
An Update
So, on Sunday and Monday DH and I went Down South and checked out some houses and tried to look for jobs. On Sunday we toured the houses with a real estate agent and some were really nice for the price, and a couple were...well...not so nice. We've finally decided on one that's in the $115K - $119K range. I think we can qualify for a $128K FHA loan, and that will be more than enough to get the house we really like.
As far as the jobs are concerned, well...It's the curse of Monday. All the places I wanted to visit to talk about jobs were closed on Monday. We only stayed until about 1PM, so we didn't have time to do much, anyway, but it was frustrating to know that half of what I wanted to get done Down South couldn't get done because everything was closed.
I spoke with dad today about getting help to move down there, and it wasn't promising. I just want to go, and we need a little help (down payment help, money for DH's class he needs to take) and he's not budging. It's bothering me for several reasons, but reasons I'd rather not go into. It doesn't matter to me, though - either way - with their help or without it - we're going. You don't like it? Sorry, Charlie. It's our life to master, not yours, and we think our direction is the best for us. Aside from that, we're all set. We just need to get a time-line together and get down there.
That's about it - that's what almost all my thoughts are centered on these days, so like I've said before, that's what all my posts (for a while, anyway) are likely to be about.
As far as the jobs are concerned, well...It's the curse of Monday. All the places I wanted to visit to talk about jobs were closed on Monday. We only stayed until about 1PM, so we didn't have time to do much, anyway, but it was frustrating to know that half of what I wanted to get done Down South couldn't get done because everything was closed.
I spoke with dad today about getting help to move down there, and it wasn't promising. I just want to go, and we need a little help (down payment help, money for DH's class he needs to take) and he's not budging. It's bothering me for several reasons, but reasons I'd rather not go into. It doesn't matter to me, though - either way - with their help or without it - we're going. You don't like it? Sorry, Charlie. It's our life to master, not yours, and we think our direction is the best for us. Aside from that, we're all set. We just need to get a time-line together and get down there.
That's about it - that's what almost all my thoughts are centered on these days, so like I've said before, that's what all my posts (for a while, anyway) are likely to be about.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The Untitled Post
Not a whole lot to post today, just a few tid-bits of the past week.
First off, the Browns remain undefeated. The C-Team beat Gilbert 22-6 today. It was a pretty good game for 5-7 (or are they 8?) year olds, and Conman got to play during the fourth quarter on Offense. He had two REALLY good blocks while on the line, so momma's proud.
DH got a rejection letter from the big job he was looking at Down South. Not a big problem, though - where there's a will, there's a way, and now he's looking at taking a 5 - 10 day course to become a licensed home inspector with aims of eventually starting our own business inspecting and possibly cost-assessing homes Down South. It's always been a dream of ours to own our own business, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so.
I still haven't heard ANYTHING from any of the jobs I applied for Down South. I think I really have to be down there to get a job, and I may have to work for a couple of years on "some other job" before I'm able to quit and work with DH in "our business" full-time. That's okay, though - as long as we're making our way in the world, doing good and keeping Conman eating regularly and in new clothes, I call that a success. As long as I can keep a roof over our heads and the electricity on, we're successful.
The plan now is go Down South next weekend, scope some houses on Sunday and go and see some of the temp services on Monday morning and then break the sound barrier getting back here for the start of our work weeks on Tuesday. Wish us luck, we'll need it. This is the first actual step on the journey we've decided to take.
First off, the Browns remain undefeated. The C-Team beat Gilbert 22-6 today. It was a pretty good game for 5-7 (or are they 8?) year olds, and Conman got to play during the fourth quarter on Offense. He had two REALLY good blocks while on the line, so momma's proud.
DH got a rejection letter from the big job he was looking at Down South. Not a big problem, though - where there's a will, there's a way, and now he's looking at taking a 5 - 10 day course to become a licensed home inspector with aims of eventually starting our own business inspecting and possibly cost-assessing homes Down South. It's always been a dream of ours to own our own business, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so.
I still haven't heard ANYTHING from any of the jobs I applied for Down South. I think I really have to be down there to get a job, and I may have to work for a couple of years on "some other job" before I'm able to quit and work with DH in "our business" full-time. That's okay, though - as long as we're making our way in the world, doing good and keeping Conman eating regularly and in new clothes, I call that a success. As long as I can keep a roof over our heads and the electricity on, we're successful.
The plan now is go Down South next weekend, scope some houses on Sunday and go and see some of the temp services on Monday morning and then break the sound barrier getting back here for the start of our work weeks on Tuesday. Wish us luck, we'll need it. This is the first actual step on the journey we've decided to take.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Weird Dreams
So, I've been thinking about writing about this all week, and I've just now decided to do it.
Sunday night I had a nightmare. I hope that in writing about it, I can finally forget about it. It's haunted me since then. In this nightmare, I had a daughter who was 8 or 10 years old. We were at the t-ball field watching Conman practice football, and she was being...unruly. She came up to me and was arguing with me, and I was sitting on the metal bleachers they have there. She slapped me in the face, and I grabbed her arm and slung her around to make her sit down in front of me, and she tripped over my foot. Her head got wedged between the bottom step of the bleachers and her body fell at an odd angle and I heard her neck snap. I started screaming "no", and I must have been yelling out in my sleep, too, because DH woke me up and told me that I was having a nightmare.
Tuesday night I dreamed about this little amphibious vehicle that the store took in on trade the other day. In my dream, he broadsided us in a great big new black SUV that we owned. We chased him down and made his mother pay for the damage. It was just weird.
Anyway, that's all I got.
Sunday night I had a nightmare. I hope that in writing about it, I can finally forget about it. It's haunted me since then. In this nightmare, I had a daughter who was 8 or 10 years old. We were at the t-ball field watching Conman practice football, and she was being...unruly. She came up to me and was arguing with me, and I was sitting on the metal bleachers they have there. She slapped me in the face, and I grabbed her arm and slung her around to make her sit down in front of me, and she tripped over my foot. Her head got wedged between the bottom step of the bleachers and her body fell at an odd angle and I heard her neck snap. I started screaming "no", and I must have been yelling out in my sleep, too, because DH woke me up and told me that I was having a nightmare.
Tuesday night I dreamed about this little amphibious vehicle that the store took in on trade the other day. In my dream, he broadsided us in a great big new black SUV that we owned. We chased him down and made his mother pay for the damage. It was just weird.
Anyway, that's all I got.
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