"quarterlife"

So, I watched this new show on NBC on Tuesday night. I really liked it. I’m of the “Thirtysomething” and “My So Called Life” generation – it’s no wonder this show appeals to me.

Anyway, I like TV shows like this – shows that make you think about yourself. This is one that I can really relate to. I’m a lot like those characters in “quarterlife”, even now, into my 30’s. I wonder if what I’m doing is the right thing, and I wonder a lot of the times if I’m where I belong.

Don’t take that on its face – I’m exactly where I wanna be right now. I have a fantastic husband that loves me for me, and the most beautiful little boy you’ve ever laid eyes on. What I mean is I wonder if I’m keeping up with what I’ve set out for myself (uh, no) and I wonder if the path I’ve picked is even the right one. Should I be struggling as a writer or should I be looking at other things? Do I have the talent that I think I do? Can I count on this, or anything, to be something that sustains me spiritually, emotionally, and financially as I and my family moves through life?

I don’t know. I can’t see the future, can’t even hazard a guess. I do know that I like what I do, and I like where I am. As for the “rightness” of it? I have no idea.

Even now, at thirty-two, I don’t feel like I’m an “adult” yet. I’m somehow stuck in 1993, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to take on the world, fresh out of high school and invincible. Is that really where I am? Hell, no. In all actuality, I’m fifteen years removed from that moment that I can’t let go of. Fifteen years beyond possibility, fifteen years beyond choice, fifteen years beyond irresponsibility. I have a real-live life now that I have made promises to and am beholden to; I can’t afford to be the person that I was fifteen years ago in any form or fashion. Is it wrong for me to continually mourn that? Probably. Does that stop me? Hell, no.

So where does that leave me? A heck of a lot like the characters in “quarterlife”; questioning my life, my place in the world, and what I do day in and day out. I don’t have the answers, and my questions far outnumber the answers I do have. I suppose I’ll just continue to make funny faces at myself in the mirror every morning and scratch my head in utter confusion.

Why not? It’s worked up until now.