Educational Conundrum

Conman is a good student for being in kindergarten. He generally does his assignments completely (he has a short attention span sometimes and leave some stuff out) and since his kindergarten teacher has started doing "spelling tests", (usually about 7 three-letter words) he has gotten 100% on all of them but the first one. For a five year old, I think that's pretty good. His teacher is impressed with his behavior and reading ability, and she says, "he hates writing his numbers to 100 - he does it, but he hates it". Well, duh. Mommy's a writer, not a mathematician.

Now, I told you that so I can tell you this.

When I was school-age, perfection was expected of me by my parents. I got punished for anything less than an "A" on report cards and papers, and my math scores were perpetually low igniting the wrath of my mother. I never could grasp math, hated it, and didn't see the point; that didn't stop mom from driving me insane with things like, "Why aren't your grades as good as (my friends)? I just don't get it. You should be better than them!"

Now, add that to the constant harping about my weight (I wasn't fat, but athletic and muscular, but because I didn't wear a size 4 I was "fat"), her insistence that I take endless piano lessons even though I hated them, and you have one paranoid kid with some serious low self-esteem. She pretty much ruined my attitude about myself early on, and continues these same behaviors any time she gets the chance. My concern is with Conman - her one and only grandson.

When he rides the bus to their house after school, she insists on reading over every single shred of work he's done that day in school, and berates him for even one missed question. "Conman, why did you do this wrong? Don't you know this is wrong? You should know this!" Most of the time, if I'm there while she's doing it, I call her on it, but I wonder about the times when I'm not there; my dad's very meek and doesn't say anything to her about anything, even if he knows what she's doing is wrong.

It isn't that I don't have high expectations for my child - I do; I just understand and realize that complete and utter perfection isn't possible all the time. Hell, it isn't possible any time - there was only one perfect person, and the world crucified him; I don't expect anything out of my child that I don't expect out of myself. He works hard, and I'm proud of him for that. He learns his lessons, and can explain things to me in kindergarten that I didn't learn until I was at least in first or second grade. He spells, he reads, he adds and subtracts, he can identify money and it's value...and he's five years old.

I don't want my mother to ruin my child like she ruined me. He's a beautiful child with the world open in front of him, and I don't want anyone to make him feel like he's less than he is. I want to instill in him that with hard work anything is possible, and that he can't be perfect all the time and that's okay, and that mistakes and disappointments are a part of life and things that shouldn't upset us, but that we ought to learn from. Mom makes him think he's "bad" because he does things wrong sometimes or because he doesn't live up to her expectations.

I think it's time for another "conversation" with mom, even though I'm just about positive it'll be fruitless in the end. She already thinks I'm a horrible, lazy, neglectful mother to my boy, so it's doubtful that she would actually listen to me on this. The boy's education ought to be between me, the boy, DH and his teachers, and that's the final word. Will that happen? Probably not. But we'll give it a shot.