It's Moments Like These...

...that I am truly thankful for best friends.

They make ya think. All but force you to. Why? Because they have nothing to gain or lose from some of the decisions that you make; their motives are the purest of all - you and your family's best interests. What would be the best thing for you to be successful and happy and healthy and satisfied. What would be the best thing to make you suffer less - be it stress, pain, trials, things like that.

I had a best friend moment this afternoon. One of those up there that makes me think about the path that I'm on. I'm satisfied for the most part with my life - I like my family more than I can express; I like my physical location, but there are several snags associated with it that takes away from my happiness and overall satisfaction.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. I can generally tolerate her presence, but on the whole, she make my life (and the life of my family) completely unbearable. I "deal" daily with her pointing out my shortfalls, my disappointments, my failures. Never has she pointed out my accomplishments. And it's just not in one corner of my life, it's in every. single. aspect. of my daily life. I don't keep a clean enough house. I don't feed my child "healthy, well-balanced meals". I don't do enough to further the well-being of my family. There's nothing I do that meets her standards. The worst part? She owns my home, and lives about five minutes away. I can't get away from her even if I want to.

My best friend and I talk about her often - it's one of the ways that I've developed to deal with the way she makes me feel. It's recently (just this morning...again) been pointed out to me that if I don't get out from under her, it's going to eventually kill me. That's not an exaggeration, that's the honest truth, from someone outside looking in, from someone who has nothing to gain from telling me this, from someone who has nothing but the best interests of me and my family at heart.

Now I'm thinking about what I ought to do. My best friend is right about all of this. It's going to kill me eventually - either that or put me in a mental institution, or turn me into some sort of destructive addict. For the sake of my family, I NEED to get away. Where do I go, though? What would I do? When you make $700 every two weeks, how do you even begin to make a change that would be a positive step for your family without putting them in jeopardy in the meantime? I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to be my own person.