A Word From Our "Sponsors"

So, I haven't written much about my guild life lately because, well, our game card ran out and I haven't been in game in about a month. We simply haven't had the fundage to buy two $30 game cards when things like, oh, light and heat are a tad more important (not that I've been paying those bills recently, either) than buying stuff for entertainment purposes only. I've been playing The Sims 2, too, but that's loosing its luster as well. I'm missing the game, missing my friends, too, and just generally feeling a bit lonely on the days that DH is gone to work. When Conman's not here or is at school, I spend most of my time alone, and I have to tell you, it's trying.

Anyway, I'm terrified about when I do go back to the game and the guild as to what I'll come back to. I mean, I love them all dearly (as much as you can share familial love with someone's on-line persona) and to know that they're strained by stuff that's going on breaks my heart. I should be the very one to be able to understand it, as I'm an officer, but to be quite honest, I don't. I don't get why people want to put so much stock in one thing over the other, when we all got into it because we just want to have fun. I think the problem is that everyone believes that their style of play is the predominant style of play across the guild and (unintentionally) don't consider the play styles of others.

I don't know. It matters in the course of my on-line, social relationships with these people, but in the greater scheme of things, in the long view when I look at my life and the impact that this situation will have on me long-term, it looks like everything else. I mean, when I was doing the MUD, I can remember thinking, this is one of the most important things I've ever done in my life. Now, when I look back on it, I see that it didn't really impact me that much over the long run. It gave me a little bit of leadership ability (but really, how much did it give me? I mean, we hosted a game of oh, 10 or so regular players who didn't really listen to me anyway), gave me a little bit of completely obsolete technical knowledge, and (didn't develop) sustained my writing ability. Not much impact in the long run.

Then, there was the Everquest stage. We had fun (I think) because we were playing with friends - DH, SS1, BFF and H/BFF, and me. We were in a "clan" or "guild" or whatever it is they call them on there, but believe me, I've tried, and I can't remember the name of it. Those people were my friends, too, but they've faded like an old pair of jeans. I can't even remember any of the people in the guild with me anymore (with the exception of the five of us who played together incessantly).

The SC is different, though, at least I think so. With the SC, I don't want to forget them. I don't want them to fade into a distant memory of "those people I used to game with". But let's be honest - if I don't got and buy a game card, if I don't go back to the game (don't necessarily leave the SC, but just don't play any more) how many would truly, really miss me? How many would say, out of the blue, Man, I wish Calli were back, I REALLY miss her! on some random night in guild chat? I suppose that is what I'm struggling with. I felt like a big fish, but my pond is much smaller than I had ever imagined. Yeah, WoW has 8 million players and my guild has been recognized by Blizzard as being "an elite guild", but that doesn't mean that we're recognized by anyone outside the game for anything we've done in the game.

I suppose what I mean is that all this trouble, all this turmoil in the guild is, down at the core of it, meaningless. That is why I was so embarrassed by my outburst at one meeting I attended, and why I think of it as a "smudge" against my reputation. No matter how many good works I do from that point forward, I'll always be the crazy lady who cried on TS.

I think what I want is something that is real - some thing that I can wrap my hands and my heart around, point to in my dotage and say, look what I have done with my friends. Yeah, I enjoy socializing. Yeah, I enjoy working out problems with my friends. However, I don't enjoy knowing that in ten years' time, none of us will remember this, none of us will remember each other, and nothing we've done will be something we can point to as an achievement in our lives. That is a bit disappointing, when you think about it.

Sometimes I wish that I had never taken that first promotion up to semi-leader. I promised myself and DH when we started playing this game that it wouldn't be like it's always been in the past - I wouldn't nose my way in and be friends with "the management" like I have before (on MY first MUD I wasn't friends with just the "Immortal" staff, but with the freakin' creator of the MUD; on my [our] second MUD I was friends with the Ims and the Implementors [Imps]; I was friends with the guild leaders in Everquest). What happened, though? I became friends with the SC leadership out of no effort of my own. GL is my very best on-line friend, and he's (duh) my Guild Leader. What the hell is wrong with me?

*sigh*

So, I guess I'm questioning what it's all about, what it all means, and where I fit and where it all fits in the greater scheme of life. Its Monday, and I've said I'll be back by Friday or Saturday, so I suppose I've got until then to figure it out.