Things I Want to Say and Can't...or Won't

There are things I'd like to say, but I'm too chicken to open my mouth. Instead of actually saying something and standing up and defending myself, I sit in the corner, hunkered over and cowering, allowing myself to take the beating I'm given.

Because I know lots of people I know read this blog, I'm not even going to post what I'd like to say here, either. I'm just lily-livered like that. But I can defend my position without giving too much information.

I did what I was told to do, and did it thoroughly. I fulfilled a request, did my job in my normal thorough, precise way, which is why (1) I was given the job to begin with; and (2) what is expected of me. I am not stupid, and I do not over-analyze. What I do do is make sure what I'm doing is clear and understood by everyone.

Now I feel like some others are saying, Thanks, but no thanks, we can do it better. If that's the case, then go ahead. I've done the job for a long time, I know what I'm doing. I developed methods that became policy; I worked in silence for a long time, too. No one short of the boss asked me if I was doing okay, if I needed help, or if things were going smoothly. I didn't complain about that, though, because I was confident in the thought that if I was doing something wrong, someone would have surely said something. This went on for nearly two years with no, "Hey, great job!" nor a "Man, you could have handled that better". Now, there's been a fairly significant change to the way things work, and my job is suddenly everyone's concern.

My question is, where was this concern when I needed it? Where was the concern when I was covered up with work and actually needed help? When did I ask for input on something that I learned to do on my own a long time ago? You weren't concerned about my job then, why are you so concerned about my job now?

I have been nothing but supportive to my co-workers. I do my best to not nit-pick their work, and compliment them for a job well-done. I don't understand how that can be an open door to being insulted, made to feel "small", and being made to feel stupid for doing my job and doing it (at least in my own opinion) well. It isn't fair (and yes, I know life is not fair), and it does make me want to drop it all at your feet and say, "There you go, you do it, but don't ask me for help, don't ask me for advice, and don't ask me for my opinion. You can obviously do it better than I can, so prove it." Is that running away? Probably. Is that forfeiting my position in the organization? Probably. At this point, I don't really care. I've worked hard and feel like I've earned my position, and earned the right to rest on my laurels for a bit. I've got other things to occupy my time, and I plan on devoting my time to those things.

There. I said what I can't (or won't) anyway. Hope feathers are appropriately ruffled.

*aaah* It's Over.

And so, it is done.

The day yesterday was fantastic. I spent the entire day - from 7:30 AM to 2:45 PM - giving speeches in front of six classes of fifth graders about what it's like to be a writer, how writers get their ideas, how to world-build, how to character-build, and the place of linguistics in writing.

They listened closely, asked pertinent questions (for the most part) and when I caught a couple of the kids that I'd spoke to at the grade school yesterday afternoon wen I picked up Conman and asked if they enjoyed the talk, they all said "yes". I asked a couple of them if they'd learned anything, and they all said, "a little bit", which is also encouraging. They could have easily enjoyed me being there (yay! no work today!) but not learned a damn thing. Kids are just honest enough at 10 and 11 years old to say, "Yeah, I had fun, but no, I didn't learn anything."

So all in all, no crying, no yelling, no bloodshed, no death (of either me or a child) and I'm confident in the knowledge that at least a few of them enjoyed and learned from my being there. I would have to say that was a success.

In The Midst Of It Post

So, one down, one to go.

Did the kindergarten project today. I was glad that it didn't take too long, and there was absolutely no screaming, no crying, and no bloodshed. At all. I'm so proud of myself. Moreover, I'm proud of the kids! I expected that they wouldn't be that interested in my proclamation that "Okay, guys, I'm a writer...", but it was met with unexpected "oooohs" and "aaaaaahs". Restores my faith that pure joy in the written word isn't dead, and our schools are doing a little bit of something right. I'd say kindergarten-ers being impressed with a writer is proof enough of that.

They did a fantastic job filling in the blanks for the project, and their coloring was fantastic. Now, they have a book that they helped to create and they can be proud of. I'm glad the teacher let me come in and do it - I had a lot of fun and I think the kids did, too.

Tomorrow is the speaking engagement at the middle school. A little more difficult, but I've done it before and know what to expect. I think they're going to have a good time with the speech and the interactions I'm planning.

On another, completely unrelated note - Aunt Flo is here. I'm going to tell you, I'd rather take a beating than have a period. If someone walked up to me and said, "If you take this severe beating, you don't have to have a period this month," my answer would be, "Okay, just let me take off my glasses 'cause they're expensive, and don't break any bones, my health insurance sucks."

That's it - I'll post the rundown of tomorrow's festivities either tomorrow evening or Thursday. Until then, have fun!

Busy....Again...

Well, this is "hell-week" for me.

I have to finish up the kindergarten book today and tonight, and tomorrow I have to outline the speech for the middle school on Tuesday night to be used on Wednesday, all day.

Therefore, Mama Calli probably won't post again until Thursday (if I survive); on that day, I will post the recap of my days with many children. Heaven help the little darlings.

Epic Dolls

Well, I should have made this post on like, Tuesday night, but to be honest I've been slammed this week.

I'm honored, excited and so full of appreciation to the Epic Dolls for giving me the opportunity to strut my writing stuff on their blog in a weekly column. I think I'm going to REALLY enjoy writing for them. I've always wanted to write about World of Warcraft in a "professional" manner, and this is finally my opportunity to do so.

The writing that I do for WoW isn't the normal gear / raid strat / spec talk. I enjoy all that stuff, but just about universally don't understand it. I want it to be someone else's responsibility to tell me what mob I ought to hit; I'm not interested in changing a spec; and I'm always up for some new gear, but let's be honest here - I'm too lazy to go after it.

My primary focus is on the social side of MMO gaming. I love the way people interact with one another, the way they pull together for a common goal, and the friendships that can be formed. If you have a question about social interaction within WoW, I'm your girl. If you wanna know if your [Shifty Cape of Much Slapping] is good for your Healing Priest build, you're better off asking someone else.

So, I'm excited about writing about what I know, and being encouraged to do so. I'll be rotating between two different column styles - the first will be a "Dear Abbey" type thing where people write in to ask my advice about stuff. The second will be a hints-and-tips type column for people who are interested in making their guild more socially-active. I just hope people will find the information I provide useful.

That's it - That's the good news. If you're interested in reading more about the Epic Dolls, use the link above or just click on their link in the "Things I Observe" section over there on the left. It's a great site and a great podcast!

Educational Conundrum

Conman is a good student for being in kindergarten. He generally does his assignments completely (he has a short attention span sometimes and leave some stuff out) and since his kindergarten teacher has started doing "spelling tests", (usually about 7 three-letter words) he has gotten 100% on all of them but the first one. For a five year old, I think that's pretty good. His teacher is impressed with his behavior and reading ability, and she says, "he hates writing his numbers to 100 - he does it, but he hates it". Well, duh. Mommy's a writer, not a mathematician.

Now, I told you that so I can tell you this.

When I was school-age, perfection was expected of me by my parents. I got punished for anything less than an "A" on report cards and papers, and my math scores were perpetually low igniting the wrath of my mother. I never could grasp math, hated it, and didn't see the point; that didn't stop mom from driving me insane with things like, "Why aren't your grades as good as (my friends)? I just don't get it. You should be better than them!"

Now, add that to the constant harping about my weight (I wasn't fat, but athletic and muscular, but because I didn't wear a size 4 I was "fat"), her insistence that I take endless piano lessons even though I hated them, and you have one paranoid kid with some serious low self-esteem. She pretty much ruined my attitude about myself early on, and continues these same behaviors any time she gets the chance. My concern is with Conman - her one and only grandson.

When he rides the bus to their house after school, she insists on reading over every single shred of work he's done that day in school, and berates him for even one missed question. "Conman, why did you do this wrong? Don't you know this is wrong? You should know this!" Most of the time, if I'm there while she's doing it, I call her on it, but I wonder about the times when I'm not there; my dad's very meek and doesn't say anything to her about anything, even if he knows what she's doing is wrong.

It isn't that I don't have high expectations for my child - I do; I just understand and realize that complete and utter perfection isn't possible all the time. Hell, it isn't possible any time - there was only one perfect person, and the world crucified him; I don't expect anything out of my child that I don't expect out of myself. He works hard, and I'm proud of him for that. He learns his lessons, and can explain things to me in kindergarten that I didn't learn until I was at least in first or second grade. He spells, he reads, he adds and subtracts, he can identify money and it's value...and he's five years old.

I don't want my mother to ruin my child like she ruined me. He's a beautiful child with the world open in front of him, and I don't want anyone to make him feel like he's less than he is. I want to instill in him that with hard work anything is possible, and that he can't be perfect all the time and that's okay, and that mistakes and disappointments are a part of life and things that shouldn't upset us, but that we ought to learn from. Mom makes him think he's "bad" because he does things wrong sometimes or because he doesn't live up to her expectations.

I think it's time for another "conversation" with mom, even though I'm just about positive it'll be fruitless in the end. She already thinks I'm a horrible, lazy, neglectful mother to my boy, so it's doubtful that she would actually listen to me on this. The boy's education ought to be between me, the boy, DH and his teachers, and that's the final word. Will that happen? Probably not. But we'll give it a shot.

To-Do List Update II(a)

Just finished the Kindergarten project story. Here's hoping it's something the kids can follow. What we're doing is making up a story of 23 sentences (one sentence for each kid in class) and leaving a blank in the sentence for the child to fill in. There will be a picture on the page as well, just an outline, so that each child can color "their page" in the story, too. Hopefully, DH won't have too much trouble sketching out the pictures that I've designated for each sentence. *grins at DH*

So, maybe this To-Do List thing works - in one weekend, that's four things off the list. Ahh...I feel weightless...