Things I Want to Say and Can't...or Won't

There are things I'd like to say, but I'm too chicken to open my mouth. Instead of actually saying something and standing up and defending myself, I sit in the corner, hunkered over and cowering, allowing myself to take the beating I'm given.

Because I know lots of people I know read this blog, I'm not even going to post what I'd like to say here, either. I'm just lily-livered like that. But I can defend my position without giving too much information.

I did what I was told to do, and did it thoroughly. I fulfilled a request, did my job in my normal thorough, precise way, which is why (1) I was given the job to begin with; and (2) what is expected of me. I am not stupid, and I do not over-analyze. What I do do is make sure what I'm doing is clear and understood by everyone.

Now I feel like some others are saying, Thanks, but no thanks, we can do it better. If that's the case, then go ahead. I've done the job for a long time, I know what I'm doing. I developed methods that became policy; I worked in silence for a long time, too. No one short of the boss asked me if I was doing okay, if I needed help, or if things were going smoothly. I didn't complain about that, though, because I was confident in the thought that if I was doing something wrong, someone would have surely said something. This went on for nearly two years with no, "Hey, great job!" nor a "Man, you could have handled that better". Now, there's been a fairly significant change to the way things work, and my job is suddenly everyone's concern.

My question is, where was this concern when I needed it? Where was the concern when I was covered up with work and actually needed help? When did I ask for input on something that I learned to do on my own a long time ago? You weren't concerned about my job then, why are you so concerned about my job now?

I have been nothing but supportive to my co-workers. I do my best to not nit-pick their work, and compliment them for a job well-done. I don't understand how that can be an open door to being insulted, made to feel "small", and being made to feel stupid for doing my job and doing it (at least in my own opinion) well. It isn't fair (and yes, I know life is not fair), and it does make me want to drop it all at your feet and say, "There you go, you do it, but don't ask me for help, don't ask me for advice, and don't ask me for my opinion. You can obviously do it better than I can, so prove it." Is that running away? Probably. Is that forfeiting my position in the organization? Probably. At this point, I don't really care. I've worked hard and feel like I've earned my position, and earned the right to rest on my laurels for a bit. I've got other things to occupy my time, and I plan on devoting my time to those things.

There. I said what I can't (or won't) anyway. Hope feathers are appropriately ruffled.

*aaah* It's Over.

And so, it is done.

The day yesterday was fantastic. I spent the entire day - from 7:30 AM to 2:45 PM - giving speeches in front of six classes of fifth graders about what it's like to be a writer, how writers get their ideas, how to world-build, how to character-build, and the place of linguistics in writing.

They listened closely, asked pertinent questions (for the most part) and when I caught a couple of the kids that I'd spoke to at the grade school yesterday afternoon wen I picked up Conman and asked if they enjoyed the talk, they all said "yes". I asked a couple of them if they'd learned anything, and they all said, "a little bit", which is also encouraging. They could have easily enjoyed me being there (yay! no work today!) but not learned a damn thing. Kids are just honest enough at 10 and 11 years old to say, "Yeah, I had fun, but no, I didn't learn anything."

So all in all, no crying, no yelling, no bloodshed, no death (of either me or a child) and I'm confident in the knowledge that at least a few of them enjoyed and learned from my being there. I would have to say that was a success.

In The Midst Of It Post

So, one down, one to go.

Did the kindergarten project today. I was glad that it didn't take too long, and there was absolutely no screaming, no crying, and no bloodshed. At all. I'm so proud of myself. Moreover, I'm proud of the kids! I expected that they wouldn't be that interested in my proclamation that "Okay, guys, I'm a writer...", but it was met with unexpected "oooohs" and "aaaaaahs". Restores my faith that pure joy in the written word isn't dead, and our schools are doing a little bit of something right. I'd say kindergarten-ers being impressed with a writer is proof enough of that.

They did a fantastic job filling in the blanks for the project, and their coloring was fantastic. Now, they have a book that they helped to create and they can be proud of. I'm glad the teacher let me come in and do it - I had a lot of fun and I think the kids did, too.

Tomorrow is the speaking engagement at the middle school. A little more difficult, but I've done it before and know what to expect. I think they're going to have a good time with the speech and the interactions I'm planning.

On another, completely unrelated note - Aunt Flo is here. I'm going to tell you, I'd rather take a beating than have a period. If someone walked up to me and said, "If you take this severe beating, you don't have to have a period this month," my answer would be, "Okay, just let me take off my glasses 'cause they're expensive, and don't break any bones, my health insurance sucks."

That's it - I'll post the rundown of tomorrow's festivities either tomorrow evening or Thursday. Until then, have fun!

Busy....Again...

Well, this is "hell-week" for me.

I have to finish up the kindergarten book today and tonight, and tomorrow I have to outline the speech for the middle school on Tuesday night to be used on Wednesday, all day.

Therefore, Mama Calli probably won't post again until Thursday (if I survive); on that day, I will post the recap of my days with many children. Heaven help the little darlings.