Decisions

Well, I don't really have a decision to make - I've already made it - I just have to figure out how to state it to everyone else. Why is that such a problem? Well, it's complicated.

There's one big, huge reason, and that's the obvious one to everyone, and I don't want it to seem like the reason I made my decision was purely reactionary to that particular event - it's not. I have several other reasons why, and I can't openly nor honestly talk about them. So the question then becomes, how do you cover up the truth and make it seem like the obvious isn't the reasons behind your decision? That's what's so hard for me.

The next thing is dealing with the end of a friendship. It's not so bad when someone you know, someone you casually interact with, sort of drifts away. When it's bad is when you loose someone you consider your best friend. No, they didn't die or anything like that. We have drifted apart and my previous best friend is doing things that I don't approve of, and quite honestly, that's the end of it. We've tried to talk about it, but neither of us feels like we're getting through to the other. I can't continue to be hurt by it anymore, so I have decided to end the relationship.

So, my decisions have been made, I just have to figure out how to convey them. Hope your day is better than mine.

Moms and Dads and Father's Day

I went out for dinner with mom, dad and Conman for Father's Day yesterday at the only nice restaurant in the immediate area - the "Park Restaurant". They had a very nice buffet; the food was good, the atmosphere quiet and the view is beautiful. And the best part? The company was pleasant.

Yes, you read that right. I said, "The company was pleasant". Kinda hard to believe, eh?

I was late getting there yesterday, and instead of barking, why are you late!?!? mom said, Wow, you look fantastic today! We started talking about vacations (they leave a week from yesterday, and are taking Conman with 'em, DH and I aren't going on vacation until late October) and instead of saying, you can't afford to do that she was interested in the deals I got, where our hotel is located, and what we'll do while we're down there so late in the year. It's like some strange dream where my mom is "normal". I'm not quite comfortable with her yet - there's so much that's gone on that I can't just accept the way she's acting as the status quo yet; I'm still looking for the next snide remark or the next blowup. It may take a month or two for this to become the norm for me yet.

When I got home I thawed out some ground beef and made my homemade spaghetti sauce and a Drumstick Pie for DH for Father's Day. He wasn't home - he had to work yesterday (blah) but when he got home, dinner was just about ready, and he showered and had a good dinner with one of his favorite desserts. Conman had a couple of little presents for him, and I made a couple of Conman & DH-centric scrapbook pages, and all in all, I think he had a good Father's Day (though meager).

Last night I did my very first Karazhan run. We made it to Moroes with surprisingly minimal wipes. I had fun, but it was very, very frustrating for me. I couldn't use voice chat because of my internet connection, and about 90% of the time I had no idea what was going on. Couple that with a party member that couldn't keep his target under control, and it was...difficult...to say the least. All in all, I had a good time and would probably go again, but I would hope that (1) any group I go with would have an extreme level of patience with me and (2) those who go are a little more prepared.

That's all I got for right now. Hope all you guys had a happy Father's Day!

It's All Fun and Games

I've always said that when something stopped being fun was when it was time to move on. That goes for anything that I choose to do in life, not just the ways I choose to entertain myself.

The problem is, where does fun turn into obligation? Where does "I do it because I like to" become "I do it because that's what everyone expects"? I'm struggling with that question right now.

It seems that rather than getting closer to the core activities of the people I choose to spend my "off time" with, I seem to be moving further and further away. I spend most evenings sitting alone in "virtual silence" because everyone I used to just sit and chat with are off busy doing something else. Something that I'm not interested in doing (believe me, I've tried to learn, I've tried to be excited about it myself, and it just ain't happenin' - I'm not excited, could care less, actually). It seems like the social organization I joined is morphing into something that I can't appreciate, especially since I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all my pals having what appears to be a great time, smiling and laughing and enjoying one another, but doing an activity that I just can't get interested in myself.

So, I hang on, outside, on the fringes. Watching everyone have their good times and smiling a little to myself. Smiling that sad, why not me? smile, wondering what I can do to bring that feeling of the "good 'ole days" back, and knowing down deep inside that they ain't coming back.

The obligation has taken over.

And no, it's just not fun anymore.

My Gripe For The Day

I know that I run the risk of pissing off the vast majority of my guild mates, but I feel like I need to vent a little bit lest I asplode.

A year ago when we went over "all this stuff" I cautioned against the road that was being breeched - I warned that it would end up being exclusionary, I warned that those who were uber-casual would get left out when the mood or opportunty struck for them to do what they wanted, and I warned that people would get the impression of "cliquey-ness" whether it existed or not.

I understand that people can't just up and go whenever they want to these things, but I also thought that in a guild like ours, exception would be made and accommodations would be made for the uber-casual when they wanted to experience some of these things. I was under the impression that things wouldn't end up like they have.

I reluctantly agreed to things when this was all hashed out, and since that time I've only been proven right. Want to show me that I am, in fact, wrong? Take me over a "regular". That's the evidence I need. Act like my inexperience and meiocrity is actually preferred simply because I've never been and you'd like to let me have the experience over someone who's just "doing the grind".

That's all I got. Consider your toes tromped upon.

WoW Update

Well, I haven't had much time to actually play WoW in about two weeks now, but That doesn't stop my mind from working. I'm thinking about lots of things in-game, and I've got a little tinge of jealousy forming.

I've been sitting behind Calli for a year-plus since the expansion watching others do the new raid instances, waiting patiently for the "new" to wear off and waiting for others to "learn" it well enough that If I go and screw up BIG TIME (which is liable to happen), we won't all die a horrible death and it be all my fault. Is that the wrong way to look at an raid instance? Probably - but one of the reasons I don't raid is because I don't like the pressure; if I wait until the raid instance is beat to death, a great portion of that pressure is taken away.

Anyway...there was one thing that kept me from feeling "behind" in all this. The Don hadn't been to the big new raid instance, either, and therefore, I wasn't alone in my "I haven't done that yet" - ness. Well, last night, that changed. The Don went to Karazhan.

I'm not jealous of him per se, but of the ability that he (and a lot of other guildies have) to go in there and not worry about causing a wipe. That's my HUGE worry, and I don't want to make someone else's experience in the instance less because of my ineptitude. That's something I need to fix, not anyone else, but still...I dunno.

I wanna go. That's the bottom line. I'm willing to do the work, I just haven't had the time. My equipment's in pretty good shape, I just need a good, casual group who is willing to hold my hand through the instance who won't get mad when I screw up majorly (which will happen) and is in it for the fun of it and nothing else. Is that too much to ask?