It's All Fun and Games

I've always said that when something stopped being fun was when it was time to move on. That goes for anything that I choose to do in life, not just the ways I choose to entertain myself.

The problem is, where does fun turn into obligation? Where does "I do it because I like to" become "I do it because that's what everyone expects"? I'm struggling with that question right now.

It seems that rather than getting closer to the core activities of the people I choose to spend my "off time" with, I seem to be moving further and further away. I spend most evenings sitting alone in "virtual silence" because everyone I used to just sit and chat with are off busy doing something else. Something that I'm not interested in doing (believe me, I've tried to learn, I've tried to be excited about it myself, and it just ain't happenin' - I'm not excited, could care less, actually). It seems like the social organization I joined is morphing into something that I can't appreciate, especially since I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all my pals having what appears to be a great time, smiling and laughing and enjoying one another, but doing an activity that I just can't get interested in myself.

So, I hang on, outside, on the fringes. Watching everyone have their good times and smiling a little to myself. Smiling that sad, why not me? smile, wondering what I can do to bring that feeling of the "good 'ole days" back, and knowing down deep inside that they ain't coming back.

The obligation has taken over.

And no, it's just not fun anymore.

Updates and...Stuff

So, I took Mom the letter on Monday. I put it in with some of Conman's clothes, handed it to her and then left. She didn't call or say anything to me about it, but then again, I asked her not to say anything, to let her actions speak louder than her words. She's been considerably nicer to me since then. We'll see if it lasts.

On a completely unrelated note...

This year is my tenth anniversary year. I totally want to go on vacation, and I don't mean to Myrtle Beach...again. Although, I'd really like to go to the ocean. I've been looking at Ocean City, Maryland, and it looks pretty neat - boardwalk, wide beaches, and lots going on - just the sort of thing that DH and I look for when we head to the sea. From what I've seen, it looks like there are quite a few attractions and dining options, too. Oh, and did I forget the best part? The wild ponies at Assateague Island are right close by!

I'm gonna give DH a good talk about it this evening when he gets home. I hope he says we can make the reservations and plan on trying to go. I think that'd be a lot of fun for our anniversary and birthday!

A Week of Truths

Over the weekend I made a decision. I've not been living a lie, no, but I have been just "going along to get along" and that's not working. This week I have a couple of thing planned.

As for the first, I'm going to be writing my mother a long and involved letter, where I explain to her the reasons why I think we don't get along. Why not just talk to her? I hear you asking - well, I've tried, and she doesn't listen, refuses to understand and ends up just yelling at me. Therefore, I figure if I write a letter to her, she can never say, "I didn't know" because I will retain a copy - I have proof - that I've tried to tell her how I feel and she either didn't read it or read it and quickly (and purposefully) forgot. I give it six months after I write the letter, and if her behavior does not change, I will seriously look for somewhere else to live, preferably on the other side of the country.

The second I've already done. I wrote a long and involved email to the Don outlining everything that I have a problem with in guild. These are things that I've tried to express in the past in conversations and feel like I've not been listened to or understood about, and this is the last time I'm going to send this information out. Either it sinks in this time or I'm finished (and no, that's not just me bing pissed off - I'm making an effort to change things).

I've already picked up some things to make the transition from one hobby to the other a smooth one - I spent $120 over the weekend on scrapbooking materials, and I tried doing it yesterday afternoon and found that I'm actually pretty good at it. I can see this becoming my new obsession, and having a lot of fun with it. I need an escape that's just me and doesn't rely on someone else's approval or cooperation to get done or for me to be proud of.

All that remains is to see if the truth, does, in fact, hurt.