I've always said that when something stopped being fun was when it was time to move on. That goes for anything that I choose to do in life, not just the ways I choose to entertain myself.
The problem is, where does fun turn into obligation? Where does "I do it because I like to" become "I do it because that's what everyone expects"? I'm struggling with that question right now.
It seems that rather than getting closer to the core activities of the people I choose to spend my "off time" with, I seem to be moving further and further away. I spend most evenings sitting alone in "virtual silence" because everyone I used to just sit and chat with are off busy doing something else. Something that I'm not interested in doing (believe me, I've tried to learn, I've tried to be excited about it myself, and it just ain't happenin' - I'm not excited, could care less, actually). It seems like the social organization I joined is morphing into something that I can't appreciate, especially since I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all my pals having what appears to be a great time, smiling and laughing and enjoying one another, but doing an activity that I just can't get interested in myself.
So, I hang on, outside, on the fringes. Watching everyone have their good times and smiling a little to myself. Smiling that sad, why not me? smile, wondering what I can do to bring that feeling of the "good 'ole days" back, and knowing down deep inside that they ain't coming back.
The obligation has taken over.
And no, it's just not fun anymore.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Updates and...Stuff
So, I took Mom the letter on Monday. I put it in with some of Conman's clothes, handed it to her and then left. She didn't call or say anything to me about it, but then again, I asked her not to say anything, to let her actions speak louder than her words. She's been considerably nicer to me since then. We'll see if it lasts.
On a completely unrelated note...
This year is my tenth anniversary year. I totally want to go on vacation, and I don't mean to Myrtle Beach...again. Although, I'd really like to go to the ocean. I've been looking at Ocean City, Maryland, and it looks pretty neat - boardwalk, wide beaches, and lots going on - just the sort of thing that DH and I look for when we head to the sea. From what I've seen, it looks like there are quite a few attractions and dining options, too. Oh, and did I forget the best part? The wild ponies at Assateague Island are right close by!
I'm gonna give DH a good talk about it this evening when he gets home. I hope he says we can make the reservations and plan on trying to go. I think that'd be a lot of fun for our anniversary and birthday!
On a completely unrelated note...
This year is my tenth anniversary year. I totally want to go on vacation, and I don't mean to Myrtle Beach...again. Although, I'd really like to go to the ocean. I've been looking at Ocean City, Maryland, and it looks pretty neat - boardwalk, wide beaches, and lots going on - just the sort of thing that DH and I look for when we head to the sea. From what I've seen, it looks like there are quite a few attractions and dining options, too. Oh, and did I forget the best part? The wild ponies at Assateague Island are right close by!
I'm gonna give DH a good talk about it this evening when he gets home. I hope he says we can make the reservations and plan on trying to go. I think that'd be a lot of fun for our anniversary and birthday!
Monday, June 9, 2008
A Week of Truths
Over the weekend I made a decision. I've not been living a lie, no, but I have been just "going along to get along" and that's not working. This week I have a couple of thing planned.
As for the first, I'm going to be writing my mother a long and involved letter, where I explain to her the reasons why I think we don't get along. Why not just talk to her? I hear you asking - well, I've tried, and she doesn't listen, refuses to understand and ends up just yelling at me. Therefore, I figure if I write a letter to her, she can never say, "I didn't know" because I will retain a copy - I have proof - that I've tried to tell her how I feel and she either didn't read it or read it and quickly (and purposefully) forgot. I give it six months after I write the letter, and if her behavior does not change, I will seriously look for somewhere else to live, preferably on the other side of the country.
The second I've already done. I wrote a long and involved email to the Don outlining everything that I have a problem with in guild. These are things that I've tried to express in the past in conversations and feel like I've not been listened to or understood about, and this is the last time I'm going to send this information out. Either it sinks in this time or I'm finished (and no, that's not just me bing pissed off - I'm making an effort to change things).
I've already picked up some things to make the transition from one hobby to the other a smooth one - I spent $120 over the weekend on scrapbooking materials, and I tried doing it yesterday afternoon and found that I'm actually pretty good at it. I can see this becoming my new obsession, and having a lot of fun with it. I need an escape that's just me and doesn't rely on someone else's approval or cooperation to get done or for me to be proud of.
All that remains is to see if the truth, does, in fact, hurt.
As for the first, I'm going to be writing my mother a long and involved letter, where I explain to her the reasons why I think we don't get along. Why not just talk to her? I hear you asking - well, I've tried, and she doesn't listen, refuses to understand and ends up just yelling at me. Therefore, I figure if I write a letter to her, she can never say, "I didn't know" because I will retain a copy - I have proof - that I've tried to tell her how I feel and she either didn't read it or read it and quickly (and purposefully) forgot. I give it six months after I write the letter, and if her behavior does not change, I will seriously look for somewhere else to live, preferably on the other side of the country.
The second I've already done. I wrote a long and involved email to the Don outlining everything that I have a problem with in guild. These are things that I've tried to express in the past in conversations and feel like I've not been listened to or understood about, and this is the last time I'm going to send this information out. Either it sinks in this time or I'm finished (and no, that's not just me bing pissed off - I'm making an effort to change things).
I've already picked up some things to make the transition from one hobby to the other a smooth one - I spent $120 over the weekend on scrapbooking materials, and I tried doing it yesterday afternoon and found that I'm actually pretty good at it. I can see this becoming my new obsession, and having a lot of fun with it. I need an escape that's just me and doesn't rely on someone else's approval or cooperation to get done or for me to be proud of.
All that remains is to see if the truth, does, in fact, hurt.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Update to the Update
DH and I went over to the store today and put in a credit application for the bikes.
The short answer is "no".
Therefore, no new motorcycles in our carport. We did get very good reasons why we didn't get approved for anything (even with our "home bank") - that reason is, we have no recent credit history.
See, back when DH and I first married, we got into a bit of a...let's say, a credit scrape. We overextended ourselves BIG TIME and didn't know what to do about it. After a lot of time and a lot of hard work, about six years ago, we managed to pay off all the debt we had accrued in our early years of marriage. Vowing not to ever get "in that shape" again, we didn't open any more credit cards or take out any loans. If we wanted something, we paid cash for it. If we couldn't pay cash for it, we either did without it or figured we didn't need it bad enough anyway.
This is what's gotten us in this predicament. We haven't borrowed any money, so we have no recent credit history, therefore we can't get any credit. Stupid, ain't it? We're a "risk". Add to that the fact that someone stole DH's SSN off some stolen compensation records, a subsequent credit freeze, and you've got the perfect combination for not being able to get even the smallest of loans.
Ahh, well. Things come, they go. Guess we didn't need 'em that bad after all.
The short answer is "no".
Therefore, no new motorcycles in our carport. We did get very good reasons why we didn't get approved for anything (even with our "home bank") - that reason is, we have no recent credit history.
See, back when DH and I first married, we got into a bit of a...let's say, a credit scrape. We overextended ourselves BIG TIME and didn't know what to do about it. After a lot of time and a lot of hard work, about six years ago, we managed to pay off all the debt we had accrued in our early years of marriage. Vowing not to ever get "in that shape" again, we didn't open any more credit cards or take out any loans. If we wanted something, we paid cash for it. If we couldn't pay cash for it, we either did without it or figured we didn't need it bad enough anyway.
This is what's gotten us in this predicament. We haven't borrowed any money, so we have no recent credit history, therefore we can't get any credit. Stupid, ain't it? We're a "risk". Add to that the fact that someone stole DH's SSN off some stolen compensation records, a subsequent credit freeze, and you've got the perfect combination for not being able to get even the smallest of loans.
Ahh, well. Things come, they go. Guess we didn't need 'em that bad after all.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Update to the Last Post
With the morning light comes revelation, or so they say. Anyway, here's where we stand:
#1: We did some math last night (I neglected to put that in the last post) and I think we can swing both bikes and the insurance to cover them. With the right financing, me working now and with DH's child support ending, we'll have a little extra cash to throw around on something.
#2: My credit score isn't bad necessarily, but it's not great. I have an option that I might consider, though; I won't have my bike or my husband's bike this summer, but it will allow us to get a better rate next year if we want to wait. I could go out and buy a TV or something on credit, pay it off in six months and up my score a little bit, which in turn will maybe give us a better rate. That would work well in either situation we're considering (see below).
#3: I called dad last night and asked him why our current mortgage doesn't appear on our credit report. It's because we pay THEM the mortgage payment instead of a bank, and thus it doesn't get reported to the credit bureaus. We pay the mortgage on time and in full every month (and have for four years), but that does not impact our credit score at all, either good or bad.
#4: I called dad this morning to see what he thought about our idea of buying the bikes. He suggested that we, instead of buying the bikes, we look into trading in one of our cars (which we don't owe anything on) in favor of a more gas efficient hybrid car. That's a good idea, but because of the aforementioned low credit score (and my experience in the auto industry) I know that when trying to finance that amount of money (about $25,000 or so) for a new car with my credit score, we're going to get a really HORRIBLE interest rate (I'm talking upwards of 25%), the payments will be WAY more than we can afford per month ($300 on average) and although it will probably be more practical, we'd be getting in WAY over our heads on a new car when our current cars are in good working order. I can't even find a gas / electric hybrid locally - I'd have to go at least an hour away to even test drive one, and I don't like the only one I've found in the state so far (color is icky, and it's a hatchback - yuck). Conman's too young to ride the bike now, but by next summer he ought to be able to ride (I hope). If we need to transport him, we'll still have the cars.
#5: I asked Dad if he'd cosign for a car if that's the direction we decide to go in (he'd have a better credit score and perhaps help us get a better rate) and was told, unequivocally, "no". I think the exact phrasing was, "I'm not cosigning for anything". Okay, thanks Dad. Don't gripe (or you, Mom) when we end up with 2 motorcycles instead of the more practical car to help with the gas crunch. Beggars can't be choosers, and in this case, we're beggars.
That's the way it stands right now. I'm still waiting for the store manager to log into his instant messenger so I can discuss prices on a second bike, and see if it's even possible to finance two bikes on one deal (I'm pretty sure I can, we've done it for other customers before), and to find out exactly what paperwork we'd need for them, stuff like that. Just kinda get stuff down so I can get it rolling (pardon the pun).
Cross your fingers for me - something's got to give. I'm up to my ears in gas (i.e., car fuel) bills, and either option would help with that a little.
#1: We did some math last night (I neglected to put that in the last post) and I think we can swing both bikes and the insurance to cover them. With the right financing, me working now and with DH's child support ending, we'll have a little extra cash to throw around on something.
#2: My credit score isn't bad necessarily, but it's not great. I have an option that I might consider, though; I won't have my bike or my husband's bike this summer, but it will allow us to get a better rate next year if we want to wait. I could go out and buy a TV or something on credit, pay it off in six months and up my score a little bit, which in turn will maybe give us a better rate. That would work well in either situation we're considering (see below).
#3: I called dad last night and asked him why our current mortgage doesn't appear on our credit report. It's because we pay THEM the mortgage payment instead of a bank, and thus it doesn't get reported to the credit bureaus. We pay the mortgage on time and in full every month (and have for four years), but that does not impact our credit score at all, either good or bad.
#4: I called dad this morning to see what he thought about our idea of buying the bikes. He suggested that we, instead of buying the bikes, we look into trading in one of our cars (which we don't owe anything on) in favor of a more gas efficient hybrid car. That's a good idea, but because of the aforementioned low credit score (and my experience in the auto industry) I know that when trying to finance that amount of money (about $25,000 or so) for a new car with my credit score, we're going to get a really HORRIBLE interest rate (I'm talking upwards of 25%), the payments will be WAY more than we can afford per month ($300 on average) and although it will probably be more practical, we'd be getting in WAY over our heads on a new car when our current cars are in good working order. I can't even find a gas / electric hybrid locally - I'd have to go at least an hour away to even test drive one, and I don't like the only one I've found in the state so far (color is icky, and it's a hatchback - yuck). Conman's too young to ride the bike now, but by next summer he ought to be able to ride (I hope). If we need to transport him, we'll still have the cars.
#5: I asked Dad if he'd cosign for a car if that's the direction we decide to go in (he'd have a better credit score and perhaps help us get a better rate) and was told, unequivocally, "no". I think the exact phrasing was, "I'm not cosigning for anything". Okay, thanks Dad. Don't gripe (or you, Mom) when we end up with 2 motorcycles instead of the more practical car to help with the gas crunch. Beggars can't be choosers, and in this case, we're beggars.
That's the way it stands right now. I'm still waiting for the store manager to log into his instant messenger so I can discuss prices on a second bike, and see if it's even possible to finance two bikes on one deal (I'm pretty sure I can, we've done it for other customers before), and to find out exactly what paperwork we'd need for them, stuff like that. Just kinda get stuff down so I can get it rolling (pardon the pun).
Cross your fingers for me - something's got to give. I'm up to my ears in gas (i.e., car fuel) bills, and either option would help with that a little.
Lotsa Stuff Going On
So, even though this week has been slow by comparison, there's still lots of stuff going on. Let's see...
Sunday
Heard from a good friend of mine that the rest of the tee-ball season has been canceled. No word yet from our coach, but my friend told me that her son's coach called and told them that they'd "called the season" because the big-kids ball teams need the tee-ball field to play their all-star games.
Monday
First, Speed Racer hell. It's not that it's necessarily a bad movie, just that it's a bit confusing in places even for me, there;s some cursing in it (and they're marketing this as a "kids movie") and the colors were so bright that I left with a bit of a headache. Before the movie I ask a second lady who has a son on a different tee-ball team about the season being called. She confirmed my friend's story, but I still have no word from our coach. At this point, I'm wondering if she's going to call us to tell us before game-time this evening.
I got home and called the coach's assistant to ask about the tee-ball. Finally I get "official" word - yes, the season is canceled, no there are no more games. The time I found this out? Ooooh, round about 2 PM - just a few hours before we were supposed to be on the field and playing. She also told me that I had to pay another $7 for a trophy for Conman, and no, my "Conman's Mom" shirt (that I've already paid for) isn't done yet. Yes, you read that right. The season's over, and I STILL don't have my damn shirt.
Tuesday
Went to work today. It was pretty normal, except for the torrential rain we suffered through. The building has a tin roof, and there are times when I thought it was gonna just come crashing down around our ears. I also have been looking, in a kinda passive way, at this little Harley Davidson Sportster that's for sale at the store. We took it in as a trade, and it's been teasing me ever since I started working over there. I've decided that I want this bike for myself. I asked for a price from the manager and he gave me a good deal (no, I'm not saying how much). I asked DH what he thought, and he's all for it (biker chicks do it for him) except now...he wants one, too. Except he wants a new Suzuki Boulevard (which goes for about double what "my bike" would cost). I'm going to see what kind of deal I can get on both bikes and see if I can get them both financed. They should be a lot of fun, and an added bonus is that they'll be perfect for commuting. Motorcycles average about 50 mpg, so that will put a significant dent in our auto fuel bill for the month.
Wednesday
Well, technically, as of this writing, it ain't here yet. I figure on doing about ten tons of laundry and some dishes, and getting the manager at the store on the phone to try to work out that deal. Wish me luck - I really want "my bike" and I'd like to get DH one too. I hope we can get something worked out that's agreeable to everyone.
Sunday
Heard from a good friend of mine that the rest of the tee-ball season has been canceled. No word yet from our coach, but my friend told me that her son's coach called and told them that they'd "called the season" because the big-kids ball teams need the tee-ball field to play their all-star games.
Monday
First, Speed Racer hell. It's not that it's necessarily a bad movie, just that it's a bit confusing in places even for me, there;s some cursing in it (and they're marketing this as a "kids movie") and the colors were so bright that I left with a bit of a headache. Before the movie I ask a second lady who has a son on a different tee-ball team about the season being called. She confirmed my friend's story, but I still have no word from our coach. At this point, I'm wondering if she's going to call us to tell us before game-time this evening.
I got home and called the coach's assistant to ask about the tee-ball. Finally I get "official" word - yes, the season is canceled, no there are no more games. The time I found this out? Ooooh, round about 2 PM - just a few hours before we were supposed to be on the field and playing. She also told me that I had to pay another $7 for a trophy for Conman, and no, my "Conman's Mom" shirt (that I've already paid for) isn't done yet. Yes, you read that right. The season's over, and I STILL don't have my damn shirt.
Tuesday
Went to work today. It was pretty normal, except for the torrential rain we suffered through. The building has a tin roof, and there are times when I thought it was gonna just come crashing down around our ears. I also have been looking, in a kinda passive way, at this little Harley Davidson Sportster that's for sale at the store. We took it in as a trade, and it's been teasing me ever since I started working over there. I've decided that I want this bike for myself. I asked for a price from the manager and he gave me a good deal (no, I'm not saying how much). I asked DH what he thought, and he's all for it (biker chicks do it for him) except now...he wants one, too. Except he wants a new Suzuki Boulevard (which goes for about double what "my bike" would cost). I'm going to see what kind of deal I can get on both bikes and see if I can get them both financed. They should be a lot of fun, and an added bonus is that they'll be perfect for commuting. Motorcycles average about 50 mpg, so that will put a significant dent in our auto fuel bill for the month.
Wednesday
Well, technically, as of this writing, it ain't here yet. I figure on doing about ten tons of laundry and some dishes, and getting the manager at the store on the phone to try to work out that deal. Wish me luck - I really want "my bike" and I'd like to get DH one too. I hope we can get something worked out that's agreeable to everyone.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
What? Two Posts in One Day?
I know, I know, it's unusual, but still. Got something on my mind, and no one around to really vent about it to.
I was looking at some pictures this afternoon of a girl, and it struck me. She's an incredibly hot woman; young, firm, smooth skin, fantastic hair, striking eyes. As I looked at those pictures it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll never be that brand of sexy, nor have I ever been that brand of sexy. Granted, this girl is 19 and I'm staring 33 squarely in the buttocks, but still. I wouldn't mind being the older, more experienced version of 19-year-old-sexy. As it stands, I'm the frumpy mom-next-door brand of inconspicuous.
Yes, I know, I have the power to change that. Fix myself up (been doing that - I've just about got the hair-and-makeup thing down), lose some weight (working on that, too - down almost 50 pounds since this time last year) and dress better (that one's difficult to come by - gotta have cash to look good). I can hear some of you out there wondering why I would want to blend into the crowd of over-done girls and women who strive so hard to be the "hot chick". That answer is simple - I've never been that girl - I've never been the one that people (male or female) looks at and says, Wow...just...wow, and I'd like to experience that, just once, before I die.
Let's pray that we have plenty of time for me to accomplish that goal. I think it's gonna take a few sharp scalpels, some medical-grade plastic and a huge vial of sucked-out fat for me to get there, but no harm in wishing, is there?
I was looking at some pictures this afternoon of a girl, and it struck me. She's an incredibly hot woman; young, firm, smooth skin, fantastic hair, striking eyes. As I looked at those pictures it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll never be that brand of sexy, nor have I ever been that brand of sexy. Granted, this girl is 19 and I'm staring 33 squarely in the buttocks, but still. I wouldn't mind being the older, more experienced version of 19-year-old-sexy. As it stands, I'm the frumpy mom-next-door brand of inconspicuous.
Yes, I know, I have the power to change that. Fix myself up (been doing that - I've just about got the hair-and-makeup thing down), lose some weight (working on that, too - down almost 50 pounds since this time last year) and dress better (that one's difficult to come by - gotta have cash to look good). I can hear some of you out there wondering why I would want to blend into the crowd of over-done girls and women who strive so hard to be the "hot chick". That answer is simple - I've never been that girl - I've never been the one that people (male or female) looks at and says, Wow...just...wow, and I'd like to experience that, just once, before I die.
Let's pray that we have plenty of time for me to accomplish that goal. I think it's gonna take a few sharp scalpels, some medical-grade plastic and a huge vial of sucked-out fat for me to get there, but no harm in wishing, is there?
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