Crushed

As we all know (It's clear from my previous blog posts) we want to move.

Now, there's a couple of hurdles. We have to have jobs, we have to have a place to live, and we need some supplementary child care for Conman, not to mention some extra cash to be able to do all these things. We have a plan - a good plan - to, in the end, be successful. The problem is, we don't have the "ready cash" or savings to be able to do these things.

I do, however, have a trust fund. The problem? I'm not allowed to touch it until I'm 55 (and I'm only 32 as of the date of this posting). I have also been informed this morning that (1) I shouldn't be calling the really good job lead I have because "we're not ready to move" (according to my dad) and (2) we won't be getting any monetary help from my parents for the same reason.

My question is this - how do you know we're not ready? We have come to the realization that we'll never be more than what we are as long as we stay here. DH has been asking for a raise for about six months now with no hint that he's going to get one. He's worked at his job for, collectively, about 7 years (worked five years, laid off for one, worked two more years). He retained his seniority when he came back from the layoff, but that hasn't made any difference in his pay rate. I work part time and bring home about $320 every two weeks. As we are right now, we're barely making it, there's no hope for any advancement for either of us. There's no way we'll be any better than what we are, and we can't make enough money to have any sorts of savings. Basically, we're on our own for savings or trying to keep money aside so that we can move, but because we make so little, we can't save any money for a down payment or anything like that.

Yet again, my parents feel like they must control us, even to the long-term detriment of their own grandchild. Because we will be out of their sphere of influence, they won't help. Because they won't be able to raise Conman (because it's been made painfully obvious that I don't do a good enough job) they won't help. Because there's a chance (a very GOOD chance) that we'll be successful on our own, that we'll be able to save and plan for our own future for once, they won't help. They'd rather see us live in squalor and utter need than to admit for once that they might not have all the answers and that they might be wrong. I can't understand why parents would want that for their child, much less their grandchild. It doesn't make sense to me - why would a parent not want their child to succeed? If you have the answer, I'd like to hear it, because at this moment, I'm completely at a loss.

Oh, and this morning when I went up because I needed $20 (see? we can't even make it between paydays) I saw a brochure for a new Honda Pilot on their countertop. Dad said that they took the car in for a service and the salesman approached him and "forced" the brochure on them, but I find that hard to believe. I take my car to a dealership for service all the time, and a simple, "Oh, I'm just here for service." sends the salesmen running back to the office to wait on the next actual prospect. So, therefore, they can spend money on a new car, but they can't invest in the future of their child or grandchild. And before you ask, no, they don't need a new car. They have a 2007 Toyota truck, a 2000 Honda Accord, and a 2004 Ford SUV, all with very low miles and in brand-new condition. The sole reason for buying a car for them is they're tired of the old one.

If I sound angry, it's because I am. I don't think the two of them have experienced "need" in thirty years or more. They are either unwilling or unable to understand why someone would want to move away and get better.

And to be honest with you, I can't take living under their thumb anymore. I wrote that letter three months ago (search my blog, you'll find the post about the letter to my mother) and she was better...for about a month. Now, not only has she gone back to her "old ways", but she's worse. I can't stand this any more - I can't be made to feel like I'm not a real person any more, and I can't live like that anymore. I hate it, and I want to get away and live my life for me and my child and my husband. I want to be able to actually live and not just exist as a disappointment to someone else.

I guess that's it. On all fronts. I got nothing else to say, and I got nowhere else to turn.