Reasons Why

For the past week, I've done pretty good. I've been up-beat, and felt like life was going okay. I've been happy with my friends and my (perceived) treatment by them. DH and I are doing well, and Conman's doing good, too.

Then, there are days like today. Days when I realize exactly why the doctor agreed with me when I asked for an anti-depressant, and prescribed me Prozac.

Today I'm sitting here in a cold house with no one for company but the boob tube. DH is at work and Conman's at school. My IM program is up and running, but it's silent. That huge list of "friends" who appear online haven't had anything to say to me in months. When I'm off-line, the phone doesn't ring. It sometimes feels like I only exist to myself; like no one knows I'm here but me.

I miss having friends. I miss doing stuff - not like "naughty" things, but just getting out and doing anything outside the home. I know what it is, though. I lack the confidence to do anything on my own. I feel like I need DH by my side in order to do stuff "right".

Now, I haven't taken my Prozac for a week. We go on vacation in just a few days, and I stopped taking the medicine because I wanted to enjoy that time on vacation. I wanted to be able to organize my thoughts enough to process what I'm doing, and I wanted to be able to get "turned on" so that I can celebrate my anniversary with DH. While I was taking the medicine, that just wasn't possible. Don't worry, y'all. I know I need it. I plan on starting back on it when I return home from vacation.

Today's just hard, though. I'm feeling terribly alone. I hope tomorrow's better.